The Power of "Yet"

Occasionally, I devote a post to making simple changes in our choice of words. Today’s word is “yet.”

Adding “yet” to a sentence adds hope – moving from “I can’t use that software” to “I can’t use that software yet.” Leaving opening the possibility of mastering it.

Using “yet” aligns with having a growth mindset, a mindset based on neuroscience and on research about the elasticity of the brain, which says that you can get better at anything you put energy into or get the right instruction on.

“Yet” is an optimistic word and optimism is important because, as a Mayo Clinic 30-year study found, “Optimistic people live about 19% longer than pessimists.” Pessimism promotes depression and helplessness. While it’s difficult to just decide to think or feel optimistically, Dr J. Mitchell Perry, author of The Road to Optimism… suggests that we change how we say things first and that a change in mindset can follow.  

In these challenging times, we can all use some hope and optimism. After all, we don’t have a vaccine for COVID yet and we aren’t yet sure when social distancing will end. Maybe adding this one little word into our vocabularies can help until then. 

Showing Compassion

Here’s an excerpt from a longer post I just added to LinkedIn on showing compassion:

Compassion is both an emotional response to suffering, and a call to action to reduce that suffering. In these times especially, showing compassion is enormously important.

The literature on compassion consistently points to these strategies:

• Avoiding judgment – When our default is to place blame, to be competitive, or to react automatically, it is hard to show compassion for others. To avoid judging, change the questions you ask yourself from “What’s wrong with them?” to “What are they thinking, feeling and wanting?” “What can we learn from this situation?” or “What’s the best thing to do now?”
• Recognizing common bonds – Now, more than ever, we need to focus on what we have in common with others – not what divides us. Start with the fact that we’re all trying to do our best, that we all want to be happy, and that we’ve all experienced loss.
• Practicing self-compassion - You can’t effectively show compassion for others if you are beating yourself up. Be kind and generous to yourself. I’ll let the Buddha have the bottom line on this one. Buddha said, “If your compassion doesn’t include yourself, it is incomplete.” Who’s going to argue with the Buddha?

The full blog post is here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/compassion-turbulent-times-sophie-oberstein

Beyond Congratulations

Do you respond this way when someone shares good news with you?

• “That’s nice. Should we get the check? We’ll be late to the movie.”
• “That’s great! And did I tell you my news?”
• “Wow. That promotion is big! I hope it’s not too stressful with all that you have going on.”

Responses to positive news can be active or passive, constructive or destructive. A passive, constructive response is understated. It might sound like the first bullet, or be just a simple “Congratulations.” A passive, destructive response hijacks the conversation, like in the second bullet. An active, destructive response is basically quashing the accomplishment with a dire message, like the one related to the promotion above (or greeting the news of a new baby with, “Say goodbye to sleep!”).

You want responses to other people’s good news to be active and constructive, like this: “I'm excited for you. I can't wait to hear more about it.” The first part is the constructive part, “That’s great” or “Congrats!” The second part is the active part, “Tell me more.”

The next time someone shares good news, notice your response. Then see if you can offer one that is both affirming and curious.

Complaints to Desires

I heard a couples therapist on NPR talking about how, for certain couples, being quarantined together can either strengthen their bond, or destroy it. One of the things she talked about in this segment is the concept that behind every complaint is a desire. For example, should you complain aloud, or think to yourself, “My partner is self-centered,” what might really be happening is that you want some attention, or that you want them to ask you about yourself. Thinking about – and phrasing – your complaints as requests might head off arguments. Thinking about requests keeps your mindset positive and solution-oriented. Rather than focusing on what’s wrong, this mindset empowers you to think about an ideal state and to ask for what you need to get there. And, if, when someone complains to – or about - you, you can respond by asking what it is that they need or want, it can prevent you from getting defensive. It won’t always be easy to view complaints through this lens, and it’s worth a try.

From Guilt to Empathy

My 200-word blog posts are back for 2020!

Many people, myself included, are experiencing rampant emotions surrounding the world’s COVID-19 crisis, quarantining, and the uncertainty of when things might get back to “normal.” One of the emotions some of us are struggling with is guilt. I feel guilty because I am not a health care worker, postal worker, or grocery store employee on the front lines. I have a job I enjoy that I can do from my lovely home. My family and friends are healthy and safe. I do feel guilt for these privileges. On Friday, I heard psychologist Sunitha Chandy suggest a shift in thinking that I find comforting. She suggested that guilt is associated with having done something wrong. Guilt turns us inward and, instead of appreciating what we have, it causes us to shut down. Instead, she suggested, consider shifting guilt to empathy. Replace your messages of guilt with empathic ones like, “I am hurting that other people are going through this. I yearn for others to be supported.” And then follow that up with the outward-focused, “What is in my capacity to do to care?” I’m so thankful to Sunitha for this perspective. I hope it might help those of you feeling as I do.

Free Self Care calls

I attended a self care call this morning that was so lovely, it inspired me to offer something similar to a wider audience. If you would like to participate, I will host this free call for the next four Fridays from 10:00-10:30am EST (April 24th-May 15th). It is just a place to acknowledge how you are feeling in these uncertain times and to be good to yourself. Send me a private message if you would like me to send you a Zoom invitation.

Wisdom from Alan Alda

My 200-word blog posts are back for 2020!

A few weeks ago, I read a feature article on Alan Alda in The Washington Post that was inspirational. Here are two of Alda’s comments that got me thinking:

“I have this radical idea that I’m not really listening unless I’m willing to be changed by you.” I’ve been teaching people active listening skills for years, and this quote made me wonder when the last time I truly listened was. Yes, I can reflect back the essence of what you’ve said so that you feel seen and heard; but have I listened so that you can influence me, so that I can grow from your wisdom, so that your words change the world? I’ll have Alda to thank if I’m able to do that level of listening. 

On the existentialists he’d studied in college: “They said the meaning of life is the meaning you give to it.” How freeing! Rather than searching for meaning, you need only realize what is meaningful to you. And what an empty existence if you don’t do something meaningful – in my case, helping where I can. Without that helping then, there would be no life.

So much to unpack in these tidbits. What’s their impact on you?

Who Should You Give Up On?

My 200-word blog posts are back for 2020!

Recently, the CLOC team at UMD* was brainstorming how to work with a challenging participant in an ongoing workshop. We were batting around several ideas, most of which had already been tried, when one of my colleagues contributed, "It sounds like you’ve been very supportive and creative in trying to address this disruptive participant. And, at some point, you can't care more for them than they do for themselves." Such remarkable advice! I pressed her for more and she said, “Sometimes, I find myself caring more about the client's success than they do. In both consulting and in coaching, it's not a great place for the practitioner to be. Our job is always to support, but it's easy to veer from the ‘gently guiding’ space into the ‘I’m steering the whole ship!’ space. It's not productive for either party.” On whose ship have you taken over the helm – in your work or personal life? Whose success matters more to you than it does to them? Except where a person is in imminent danger, is there any one you need to give up on? What gifts might come from not caring more for them than they do for themselves?

* CLOC is the Center for Leadership and Organizational Change at the University of Maryland

Enroll now in my free webcast, “Coaching for Behavior Change” -  https://webcasts.td.org/webinar/3707.

Supporting Your Essential Workers

NOTE: I'm abandoning my commitment to posts of 200 words or fewer for this particular post in order to help expose these ideas I first shared on LinkedIn to a broader audience. 

A CNN headline last month read, “The world’s biggest work-from-home experiment has been triggered by coronavirus.” News outlets are helping the vast number of employees working remotely with tips like how to home school while trying to get work done. Articles and webinars for those managing a remote workforce are plentiful, as more and more organizations are asking their employees to work from home during this pandemic.

But what about supporting the people who are still required to report to work in these uncertain times - the essential employees, like those in dining services, facilities, public safety, grocery stores, etc? How can supervisors support these individuals whose jobs don’t lend themselves to working from home?

My colleagues from the Center for Leadership and Organizational Change at the University of Maryland and I have compiled this list for those managers.

• Ensure their safety. The most critical way that you can support these employees is by taking precautions so that coming into work does not put these employees or others at potential risk. A consistently reported concern of healthcare workers during a crisis is fear for the safety of themselves and their loved ones. Make sure that you are limiting employees’ exposure to Covid-19 by following the advice of health officials. Additionally, allowing employees to communicate with loved ones during their shifts could assuage family safety concerns and motivate staff to carry on with their professional duties.
• Provide resources. Another way to support and care for employees who are showing up in times of crisis – and all employees – is by connecting them to your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) or to other available resources, like governmental and philanthropic organizations providing food and rental assistance, or utility companies providing relief and payment deferment.
• Address your own needs. It’s a classic maxim that you can’t pour from an empty pot; you can’t take care of others if your own needs are not being met. Be kind to yourself. Utilize whatever techniques bring you calm so that you can create calm for others.
• Check in on them. Those reporting to work “as usual” have all of the same worries and fears as those who are at home. Ask how they are doing. Check in regularly on their emotional state and how their loved ones are holding up in these uncertain times. Don’t shy away from these conversations because of fears that they will raise concerns that you cannot help them with. Your job is not to provide the answers, but to listen, and possibly to ask questions that can help them to find their own answers.
• Overcommunicate. Provide information about how your organization is responding as it is available. Even when you don’t have information to share, let staff know that the organization is still thinking about its response and that, when thinking about responses, they are thinking about the impact on essential employees. Ensure that you meet more often with everyone on your team, if only to share kudos and "what we know right now."
• Praise more. Show your appreciation for them being there, continuing to do the essential work they are doing. It matters now more than ever.
• Send an email or jot a quick note. Little things do matter, like a quick handwritten note or an email to your team – or an individual team member - after a stressful day. Just a few sentences about why you value them will go a long way. 
• Create meaning. A common theme in the literature about motivating essential employees is the importance of their understanding the significance of their role in responding to an emergency event. The literature indicates that if essential employees feel their jobs are instrumental in dealing with a disaster, they are more willing to report for work. Make sure employees connect the work they do on a daily basis with the larger organizational and societal good they are doing.  
• Lower your expectations. During times of stress, we are less capable of creative, innovative or collaborative work. Also, we may be bringing a lot of our home life with us to work. As a result, we need to remember that no one is capable of working at full capacity. We need to allow for additional breaks, support, time and adjustment of work schedules, wherever possible. We need to be more accepting of mistakes and let go of perfectionism.
• Continue to manage performance. At the same time, we can’t excuse egregious employee behaviors just because we need people to show up to work. Managing performance is still important in times of crisis. During difficult periods, you should work together to address performance issues, asking how ‘we’ can support ‘you.’ The employee may have an idea for a temporary arrangement — some time off, handing off a project to a colleague, or a more flexible schedule for a few weeks — that is amenable to you. 
• Ask what they need. Even though we’re all dealing with the same pandemic, we will all have different reactions and need different things. The best way to support your individual employee may not be on this list. Ask them what it is.

Connect before content

My 200-word blog posts are back for 2020!

The best advice I ever got was also the most embarrassing feedback I’ve ever gotten - when a boss told me that, while my colleagues thought I did great work, they also thought I wasn’t having enough “water cooler” talk; that I wasn’t building relationships. I was devastated. I was a coach and a learning professional; I was all about relationships and helping others. But, she was right – I was more about putting my head down and getting my work done - and her suggestion to me that day was life changing.  She told me to “connect before content”; to ask, “How was your weekend?” “How was that movie?” or “Is your partner feeling better?” before getting down to the business at hand, before asking for what I needed. Doing so has helped me to slow down and to be present with people, and has made my interactions – in person, by email, in classrooms – richer and more rewarding. I tell this story when I’m talking about the power of check-ins at the start of meetings, or of feedback, or of courageous conversations, or, when I have an opportunity like this one, when sharing one of my most important life lessons.  

Sophie Oberstein is an author, consultant, coach, and adjunct faculty member, with two books slated for publication in 2020 – the second edition of 10 Steps to Successful Coaching (April) and Troubleshooting for Trainers (October). Her website is sophieoberstein.com.