Complaints to Desires

I heard a couples therapist on NPR talking about how, for certain couples, being quarantined together can either strengthen their bond, or destroy it. One of the things she talked about in this segment is the concept that behind every complaint is a desire. For example, should you complain aloud, or think to yourself, “My partner is self-centered,” what might really be happening is that you want some attention, or that you want them to ask you about yourself. Thinking about – and phrasing – your complaints as requests might head off arguments. Thinking about requests keeps your mindset positive and solution-oriented. Rather than focusing on what’s wrong, this mindset empowers you to think about an ideal state and to ask for what you need to get there. And, if, when someone complains to – or about - you, you can respond by asking what it is that they need or want, it can prevent you from getting defensive. It won’t always be easy to view complaints through this lens, and it’s worth a try.