Apologies

Between the Jewish holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, there’s a 10-day period during which one can apologize for any wrongdoings of the past year in order to start the new year off with a clean slate. It’s that time right now.

Years ago, I learned a formula for giving a meaningful apology that we adapted in our family and that became known as an “Oberstein apology” (so, when one of our kids would give a half-hearted, I’m sorry,” and then say, “I apologized,” we’d ask, “but was it an Oberstein apology?”

The Oberstein apology included:

• “I’m sorry that…” When you can give a specific description of what you did, you show that you’ve thought about your actions and their impact.

• “In the future I’ll…” shows that you’ve learned from your mistake and will take action to improve.

• A hug or chicken dance – Okay, we allowed the kids to invent the third part - and it added some levity to the situation.

Other three-part apology models - without the chicken dance - exist (Google “three-part apology” for some ideas). The important part is that apologies can be meaningful learning experiences that strengthen relationships; that’s something to strive for in this new year.