Resolutions 2.0

Whether you make resolutions for the New Year, or establish goals for yourself year-round, maybe it’s time to add another step to your process - reflection. What will determine whether a goal you set is one that sticks, or is just something you intend to do (and ultimately don’t), is the skill of noticing.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

If you've done your resolved behavior...

• What worked about this and why?
• What could have gone wrong that you managed to avoid?
• How does doing this make you feel? Is that better than you felt before you did it, worse, or the same?
• What else has become possible for you since trying out this new behavior?
• Is this the only way to get these results, or do you want to try out any other behaviors?
• Which people or situations are a particular challenge for you?
• Do you want to continue to do this? 

If you haven't done it...

• What have been the consequences of not doing this? Are these consequences you can live with?
• What was your original reason for wishing to do it?        

Best of luck with all of your 2015 resolutions and Happy New Year!

~ Sophie

Unwrapping the Gift of Feedback

Feedback is a gift. I’ll leave that as a given and spend my remaining 197 words on tips for receiving this “gift”:

• Notice the positive. It’s our survival instinct to focus on the negative (see “Skewing Negative,” July 2104), but there’s a school of thought that you’ll make a bigger, better impact by enhancing your strengths than you will focusing on your weakest areas.
• Know that you usually rate yourself by your intentions, while others rate you based on their perceptions (“The Gift of Feedback,” August 2011). 
• And… their perceptions may not be true. Think of market research: Customers may complain that your product doesn’t work the way it should, when really they just don’t know how to make it work that way. This is good information for you about the education you need to provide.
• Feedback is just data, and you get to decide what to do with that data. I’d suggest analyzing it to determine if there is a grain of truth in it (regardless of who delivered it) then designing an experiment to try out some small step for some distinct period of time. My next post (next week) will focus on what to do next...

Happy Holidays!

~ Sophie

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New Ways to Love

While I’m not loving my current book group selection, I did love this brief explanation one character gives on her way to her dying mother’s bedside.  She says, “Don’t you start worrying about me… Watching someone die gives you a new way of learning to love them. Imagine, knowing someone for five and a half decades and at the end of that finding a new way to love them. It’s an extraordinary thing.” Not only does it beautifully describe what I believe about the honor of being present as a person embarks on the final remarkable passage that marks the end of this life, but it made me start to think about new ways to love people before arriving at that juncture.  While it may happen naturally that you find new ways to love your spouse after decades of marriage; your kids at various milestones in their lives; your friends as you watch them weather various storms, it’s nice to give it some conscious thought, too. What an opportunity to rededicate yourself to someone in a different way; to appreciate others in new and deeper ways. I'm looking forward to seeing what's possible in doing this. 

What does the quote say to you? 

How are you coping with that?

Once in awhile, I come across a powerful question that I know has great value.  Yesterday I was exposed to such a question during a workshop called, “Detecting Students in Distress.” The facilitator – a psychologist – suggested that when someone tells you of a distressing situation in her life that you respond with the question, “How are you coping with that?”  Asking this, my facilitator said, puts you into listening mode and helps you better respond.  For example, someone who’s just gotten divorced might answer, “I sit at home in the dark eating ice cream every night” or “I joined a gym and I’m happily dating.” Obviously how you respond to each of these would be quite different.  I like how the question also relieves you of the burden of coming up with an appropriate response in an emotional situation.  I certainly wish I’d had that question in my repertoire when, a few weeks ago, a teenager my daughter knew took his own life. Rather than fretting over the right thing to say to her, I wish I’d just asked, “How are you coping with that?” I find many powerful questions are like this one – simple, somewhat obvious, but often overlooked.

Skewing Negative

Why when you get feedback do you focus on comments that are “negative,” even when they are surrounded by praise? Why, if you have ten interactions in a day with your loved one – five of which are positive, four neutral, and one negative, is it the negative one you think about most? And why all this energy around negative feedback when you generally think of yourself as a positive person?

It’s evolutionary. Because of our “survival instinct,” we’re wired to focus on the negative. Why? It was more important for our ancestors to remember where the bear (negative influence) was rather than where the honey (the good stuff) was stored. If you fail to get the good stuff today, it’ll still be there tomorrow. But if you fail to avoid the bad stuff today, you may not be here tomorrow.

I find this reassuring. If I’m focused on a negative message, I can know that it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a negative person – just part of human evolution. And I can try to reprogram my brain to concentrate on the positive because I don’t live in times in which I need to rely on my survival instinct. What can you do with this evolutionary explanation?

Happy summer,
~ Sophie

Wanting Less

I’m noticing that when I get a little of something, I just want more. I bought a few new outfits to update my wardrobe and then I started thinking about all the other fashionable items I needed to complete my closet makeover. While spending a little time with my family, I wasted a lot of time thinking about how I could get more time with them, or when we could meet up like this again.

I think you see the problem here. Besides the fact that sometimes more is just not possible – too expensive, too little time – the desire for more takes away from what you have, or what’s present. Instead of admiring my new clothes and feeling grateful for them, I was coveting more. Instead of feeling that what I have is abundant and valuable, I was focusing on a lack. Instead of enjoying my time with family, I was letting that time slip away focusing on something else in the future.

So, I’m going to spend some time thinking about wanting less because I have a hunch that, in the process, I’ll gain so much more. Anything you could want a little less?

• "No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave."  ~ Calvin Coolidge

• “Lives based on having are less free than lives based either on doing or being.” ~ William James

What's your "why?"

“He who has a why can endure any how.” ~ Nietzsche

In customer service classes I facilitate at NYU, I ask participants why we bother to deliver excellent service. Students provide a variety of responses from, “Our customers pay tuition, which funds our salaries” to “to be of help to others.” I then ask them to pick from the list the reason that really means something to them; their own “why.” Because, I tell them, there will be days when delivering excellent service is difficult. On those days, they’ll need to “remember their why.” That concept has far greater application. What’s your why, for example, for having the job you have, for being a good parent, or for eating well?

In addition to remembering your why, you may, at times, need to reconnect with it. It’s one thing, for instance, to say “I work at NYU because of tuition reimbursement.” But, if you’ve never taken a course, or it’s been years since you have, you may need to sign up for one in order to feel connected to that why. If you exercise so that you can live longer to be with your family, are you making that family time now? Which of your “why’s” do you need to re-connect to?

All the best,

~ Sophie

My Advice on Advice

Some boilerplate advice I love. “Outdo each other with kindness every day” is some of the best marital advice I’ve heard; while “Don’t go to bed mad” doesn’t do it for me. Because sometimes I go to bed mad and I wake up to a beautiful new day with a clear head and I think, “What was I so upset about? So glad I didn’t bring that up last night.”

“Nap when the baby naps” is another one. What if I’m not tired? What if I want to use the opportunity when the baby is napping to spend some rare alone time doing something I want to do? The pressure I used to feel to nap when my kids were napping made what could have been the treasured, calm part of my day one of the more stressful.

People who give advice mean well; they want the best for you. The problem is what’s best for one person isn’t necessarily the same for another. In my coaching certification program we were instructed not to give advice for this very reason. What advice is stressing you out? Can you disregard it? Who's consistently given you good advice?

My opinion? Be discerning.

Difficult Conversations, Part 2

After preparing to have a difficult conversation (see prior post), then you can determine whether or not to raise the issue at all using a set of questions starting with what you hope to accomplish and whether a conversation is the best way to accomplish it. You’ll also consider whether the issue is actually your identity issue and/or whether you can help the situation just by changing your contribution. Finally, if you don’t raise the issue, what can you do to help yourself let it go?

In a difficult conversation, your opening is critical. Most of us start with our own story - what we think, feel or need, e.g. “I feel disrespected by you. Can we talk about this?” The authors of the model suggest starting from a “third story” – the story a neutral observer would tell; a story that contains viewpoints that both parties would agree with, like “You and I have different preferences on when and how we should wash the dishes. I wonder if that’s something we can talk about? I need you to help me understand where you’re coming from on this.”

There are two more steps in the model, but I found the most value in the steps leading up to an actual conversation and the opening. Let me know what happens if you give that a try.

Difficult Conversations, Part 1

I’ve been using a model I really love in a workshop for supervisors. It comes from the 1999 book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Obviously, that topic is more widely applicable than just for supervisors. In fact, I used Step 1 – Prepare – in advance of a tough discussion I was about to have with my husband. Here’s what the model asked me to think about:

• Multiple stories - How would each person in the conversation answer the question, what happened?
• Contribution - What has each person contributed to this situation? In just about every situation, both parties have contributed in some way, even if the split is 5% / 95%. The authors use the extreme example of an extramarital affair to illustrate this.
• Feelings – What feelings might each of you be bringing to this discussion?
• Identity - Difficult conversations can threaten our perception of ourselves. Anxiety comes not only from having to face the other person, but also from having to face ourselves. The conversation has the potential to disrupt our sense of who we are, or to highlight what we hope we are, but fear we are not. So, for example, would my concern about someone’s apparent lack of  respect be about her behavior, or might it be about my lack of tolerance for others’ opinions?

Lots of great stuff to consider before you sit down to talk.

All the best,

~ Sophie

P.S. Paring this quite nuanced and sophisticated tool into such a very simplistic overview took 32 words more than I promised you per post. Sorry! I’ll tell you about steps 2 & 3 (out of 5) next time.

The World Will Go On

Please know that I'm not saying what I'm about to say to insult you. Rather I offer this message in order to release you; to allow you to step away from your work, your familial obligations, etc. with a sense of freedom. So here goes: You're not that essential. 

 

The world will go on in your absence - or if you don't respond to an email in the next 24 hours. And, as it goes on, the people around you will gain some valuable experience. If you step out of your family situation for a break, new relationships will develop or deepen. Your children will do things you usually do for them and assert their independence.  When you step away from work, even if you're the only person who can do whatever it is you do, someone else will get the opportunity to learn it. People will step up to the plate and their doing so will be a valuable opportunity for them. People are more adaptable than we give them credit for; and we return to them restored and better able to support them. Basically, we're just not as essential as we sometimes think we are.

So what can you do with the gift of knowing that you're not needed? Whatever it is, enjoy it!

All the best!

~ Sophie

A Teenager on Procrastination

This post is my 14-year old’s explanation of his new approach to procrastination (that he adapted from an article he read on the Internet):

“With everyday tasks, you’ll assign pleasure to some and pain to others.  Procrastination is generally caused by people attaching pain to certain things and then wanting to avoid pain. The trick is to try to attach pleasure to the things you don’t like to do. This can be a reward, or anything that makes you happy for that matter. An example of mine is doing my homework. Homework is normally something people attach pain to and I found a way to attach pleasure to it through being able to say, ‘I’m done with my work. I have free time now to do what I want.’ So now this painful task creates pleasure – free time for me.”

What do you assign pain to? What pleasure can you assign to that activity instead?  Does doing that help you get to it any faster?

Good luck,

~ Sophie

• “It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.” ~ Leonardo da Vinci

• “Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” ~ Pablo Picasso

A Year of Productivity

Here are seven things I’ve learned from a blog called “A Year of Productivity.” Its author is spending a year devouring everything he can get his hands on about productivity and sharing what he’s learning (http://ayearofproductivity.com). Fascinating.

 

1.    Finding email through search is way faster than organizing your inbox into folders.
2.   Your office is a pretty crappy environment to get work done. 
3.    Because of smartphones, people are bored less often and missing out on opportunities to look for excitement and ideas.
4.    Getting up early doesn’t make you more productive; getting enough sleep does. To determine whether you should wake up early, ask yourself, can I get more done past 9pm or before 9am?
5.    Taking breaks prevents you from becoming fatigued and helps you slow down, step back, reflect, and come up with better ideas.
6.    Drinking 16oz of water after waking up hydrates you after 8 hours without drinking, gives you more energy, fires up your metabolism, helps you focus, and even helps you eat less.
7.    A lot of people aspire to be productive so they can become happier, but happiness has been shown to lead to productivity, not the other way around.

Here's to a productive week!
All the best,
~ Sophie

Stepping Up to the Plate

A former colleague told me that she’ll go to bat for an idea three times, and if, by that point, she can’t get her higher-ups to see things her way, she lets it go. At least, she explained, she knows she’s said her peace, and then she can focus on supporting whatever the bosses decided to do. While one doesn’t necessarily need a formula like hers to approach situations where ideas differ, I really like some things about it: I believe in pushing back – that pushing back (respectfully and firmly) shows you care. If you go along with ideas you don’t believe in, your conscience may bother you. I also don’t like to always be the naysayer or the obstacle. Sometimes I have to support positions that aren’t my own – in the workplace or with my loved ones. I like the idea of knowing when you’ve pushed enough and the decision is out of your hands. I particularly like that when my colleague reached that point, she moved forward without resentment or regret.

What do you think of this approach? How do you make your opinions known? And how do you remain positive when you’re executing someone else’s?

All the best,

~ Sophie

What Was I Waiting For?

“You may delay, but time will not.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

I put off writing this post. Why? Because it had been so long since I’d written one that I felt intimidated. Surely if I posted something it would need to be fantastic in order to justify breaking such a long silence. And while ideas for posts have crossed my mind in the past several months, nothing seemed stellar enough; too much time had passed – and continued to pass – as I thought about whether or not to do it. Maybe writing one post would obligate me to write more, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to post more regularly.

Maybe you see what I’m getting at – that we can find a lot of reasons to keep ourselves from doing things we want to do:  That we may set our expectations too high, that we might be overly worried about the future implications of what we want to do now, or that we’ve just delayed too long already.  

So, what are you putting off? And how valid are your reasons for doing so? I'd love to know what you decide you can do. 

All the best,

~ Sophie