Happy New Year!

Here’s another post inspired by having read The Happiness Project on my vacation last week. In looking back on her year of trying various experiments to become happier, its author, Gretchen Rubin, concludes that “the single most effective step for me had been to keep a Resolutions Chart (available at www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com).”

As resolutions are big at this time of year, I thought I’d focus on some best practices for creating and keeping resolutions and share mine with you.

Wishing each one of you a fulfilling, successful, and happy 2013!

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE:  RESOLUTIONS

Step 1 - Determine what you want to do – Be as specific as possible, e.g. “kiss my spouse good bye every morning” is more actionable than “be nicer to my spouse.” It’s also a smaller step and therefore easier to accomplish and to build upon.

Step 2 - Articulate why you want to do it (for some people, this is step 1) – Do you want to kiss your spouse good bye each morning to better your relationship, to create harmony in your home, to demonstrate the level of physical affection you desire, to role model a loving relationship for your kids, or some combination of the above? Write down these motivators. They will make it possible for you to stick to your resolution when the going gets tough – when you’re rushed or angry and don’t feel like kissing your spouse some morning.

Step 3 – Set a timeframe.  Rather than making an open-ended resolution like, “I’ll kiss my spouse each morning” or “I’ll drink eight glasses of water a day” or “I’ll use the stairs,” which imply that you hope to do these things for the rest of your life, make your resolution a short-term experiment. Something like, “I’ll drink eight glasses of water a day for the next two weeks and note how I feel while doing it. If I’m noticing positive results, maybe I’ll continue for another month…” It’s much easier to commit to something for two weeks than to commit to making a life change. Plus, this reminds you to notice how your resolution is going and what results you’re experiencing and gives you permission to drop it if you aren’t getting results that appeal to you.

Here are two real-life examples of my own...

In the service of being present and of not letting the good moments in my life be overwhelmed by the more mundane ones, I will record a one-sentence journal each night in January highlighting the fleeting moments that made life sweet on that day (another Happiness Project idea).

In the service of acting in the way I want to be with others (positive and happy, rather than grumpy and critical), I will endeavor, in the month of January to give only positive reviews. That is, when asked what I thought of something, I will only share what I liked about it, even if I have to dig to find that thing. This truly is an experiment because I hold a strong belief that honest, constructive feedback is a gift, but I’d like to know what would happen if my honest feedback were all positive. There are some warm and generous people I admire who seem to be able to do this. Will I be more like them if I stick to the positive?

Along those lines, here’s my review of The Happiness Project: This book is sprinkled with thought-provoking moments and great quotes. Who can argue with its overall premise that we can set intentions that will improve our attitudes, and our lives, and then hold ourselves accountable to them? There are certainly some solid, universal ideas in here that might inspire readers to dig deeper. And Gretchen Rubin seems like a practical, vulnerable, like-minded person whom I’d enjoy having coffee with.  

QUOTES I LIKE FROM “THE HAPPINESS PROJECT”

• “The chief happiness for a man is to be what he is.” ~ Erasmus
• “Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; and where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.” ~ Proverbs 26:20
• “There are times in the lives of most of us when we would have given all the world to be as we were but yesterday, though that yesterday had passed over us unappreciated and unenjoyed.” ~ William Edward Hartpole Lecky
• “Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than kindness.” ~ Tolstoy

Secrets of Adulthood

Once or twice a year, I like to read a pop culture book that might inform my coaching. This time it’s Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project.

I’m barely into it, but I found an exercise she mentions in her introductory chapter to be intriguing. She called it her “Secrets of Adulthood,” or, a list of the lessons she’d learned with some difficulty as she’d grown up. Some items on the list were profound; others simple and quirky. But, her list inspired me to share my own (or a portion of my own, as mine stretched to about two-and-a-half pages). It was fun to create, so I suggest it as the coaching exercise for this post. And I’d love to see your lists!  Here’s mine (though the first two items did come from the book)…

• People don’t notice your mistakes as much as you think
• Most decisions don’t require extensive research
• If it’s always put away in the same place, you’ll always find it there
• The only person you can change is yourself
• Saying “no” is liberating
• Perception is reality
• The tough conversations are the ones with the greatest potential for growth and to deepen relationships
• When there’s a lack of communication or transparency, people will start communicating the worst scenario
• There’s always another side to the story
• It does make the whole bedroom appear cleaner if you just make the bed
• Just because it already exists doesn’t mean you can’t do it better
• Rather than setting out to change your life, try a tiny experiment for a discrete period of time
• If you’re wide awake in the middle of the night, embrace it, don’t fight it
• The journey may be more enjoyable than the destination
• Horizontal is a pile; vertical is a file
• When you "act as if," your behavior just may change the way you think and feel
• People sense desperation
• You can't control your situation, only your reaction to it
• Feedback is a gift
• You’re more likely to act on a goal you state publically

Don’t know what to say about the fact that so many of my secrets have to do with housecleaning and organization. I guess it just reveals how anal I am! What does your list say about you?

Happy New Year!

~ Sophie

TWO QUOTES I LIKE FROM THE HAPPINESS PROJECT, “GETTING STARTED”

• “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner!” ~ Colette, author
• “We must exercise ourselves in the things which bring us happiness, since, if that be present, we have everything, and, if that be absent, all our actions are directed toward attaining it.” ~ Epicurus, philosopher

Taking Conversation to the Next Level

An article in this month’s Training & Development Magazine suggests that there are five levels of conversation and urges readers to consider where they spend most of their time on the conversation continuum.*

The levels of dialogue presented in the article are:

• Monologue – When one person claims the airspace for storytelling, lecturing, or expounding, drowning out other voices.
• Transaction – A back-and-forth conversation that remains on the surface, generally related to a transaction, e.g. "How are you doing on that project?" A"re you free to pick-up Owen after school tomorrow?" "Have you written that report yet?" Sounds to me like a lot of close-ended questions occur at this level of conversation.
• Interaction – A useful information exchange that still simply skims the surface. When you leave an interaction feeling like the other person still might not know what you meant or might not be feeling good about it, it’s often because it was this level of conversation. An example given in the article is when an employee is meeting with her manager for feedback on her performance. The meeting starts late and is rushed. After the manager talks about the employee’s results and asks her how she feels about them, she says she really doesn’t know but she does understand why she had the results she did. The meeting ends with the manager saying, “So, you’re okay with the feedback. Great.”
• Collaborative engagement – Where deeper insight and reflection take place because there is more trust and people are more willing to be vulnerable, e.g. “I yelled too much at my kids when they were little, too.” “Really? But you always seem so calm and together. What did you do to stop yelling so much?” “Well, I learned to warn the kids in advance when I needed their cooperation and I learned to take a time-out myself when I needed it.”
• Dialogue – When shared understanding emerges and mutual learning takes place.

 As your coaching exercise for this post (and mine, too), I suggest one or more of the following:

• Pay attention to your conversations this week. What level of conversations are you having? Maybe that’s all you do this week. Just noticing the trends in your conversation is an important exercise all on its own.
• Challenge yourself to have at least one conversation at a higher level this week.
• Notice what needed to happen for that higher-level conversation to take place. Did you have to devote more time to the conversation? Did you have to make more eye contact? Did you have to turn off your phone? Did you ask more questions?
• Notice how that higher-level conversation made you feel and the impact it had on your relationship with the other person / people involved.
• Decide what you want to do about your conversations  as a result of this challenge and what you notice while doing it.

All the best,

~ Sophie

* “A Little More Conversation” by Lois J. Zachary, T&D, October 2012.

QUOTES

• “The most fruitful and natural exercise for our minds is, in my opinion, conversation.”  ~ Michel de Montaigne, The Essays: A Selection
• “Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.” ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea
• “It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.” ~ Yogi Berra
• “Ideal conversation must be an exchange of thought, and not, as many of those who worry most about their shortcomings believe, an eloquent exhibition of wit or oratory” ~ Emily Post

Reminders from Hurricane Sandy

A few days ago, Hurricane Sandy tore through the Northeast. From the safety of my 6^th floor apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan - an area that was spared the flooding, power outages and damage others experienced - I am able to reflect on the lessons that the hurricane can teach us. I know it is a luxury to be able to sit in my safe and warm home and reflect on these lessons. To those who are dealing with the aftermath of the storm and who don’t have the luxury to ruminate, I send my very best wishes for a speedy and full recovery.

Here are the reminders I took from Sandy:

·         Show Gratitude – Those who’ve read this blog over time know that over and over again, I am thankful for my good fortune, in good times and in bad. In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, I am thankful for my intact and lovely home, and for the safety of my family who is hunkered down with me in it. I am reminded to experience and show my gratitude.

·         Be connected – Before the storm landed, millions of people across the Northeast were warned of what could be coming their way. Millions were in the path of the hurricane. What happened to some could have happened to any of us. I am reminded that we are all connected by how life starts and ends and what life puts in our way. Additionally, I appreciated the number of inquiries from friends, colleagues, and even distant acquaintances, asking how we were faring. I am reminded that I am not alone; that there are people out there who care. I am reminded to be one of them.

·         Remember your priorities – Each notification I’ve received letting me know that my office, or my childrens’ schools, are still closed ends with a statement to the effect of “your safety is of utmost importance.” I am reminded by the hurricane of what matters most. I am reminded to pay attention to the safety and health of myself and my loved ones, even when a tropical storm isn’t brewing around us.

·         Slow down – In coaching, I’m often reminding clients to slow down and to be present; to experience what is happening, rather than rushing through it. Going in to our 6^th day in the house with not as much to do and not as many places to go, I am savoring the rare opportunity to slow down, and I’m reminded of the importance of stepping out of the usual routines now and again to reflect on the sorts of things this post is highlighting.

·         Recover – Coaching is, in part, about noticing what’s gone wrong and then recovering. While communities around me clean up from the devastation of Hurricane Sandy, I am reminded of what I need to right and repair in my life and am more motivated to do it.

I hope these reminders come to you free of any damage from the recent disaster.

All the best,

~ Sophie

QUOTES

“Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help.” ~ May Sarton, author

“You are one of the forces of nature.” ~ Jules Michelet, French historian 

Re-Thinking Screw-Ups

It’s human nature to berate ourselves over poor choices we’ve made. Regret is a common feeling among my coaching clients, family, and friends alike.

Yet, we literally make hundreds of choices every day. Instead of lamenting the wrong ones we’ve made, what about celebrating - or even noticing - all of the little positive ones?

• Should I floss my teeth this morning?
• Should I eat breakfast, or grab something later?
• Should I call my aunt?
• Should I take the escalator or the stairs?
• Should I buy a banana or a bag of M&Ms?
• Should I read the novel in my bag, or buy a trashy magazine?

True, these choices aren’t as monumental as some of those bad ones that we can’t seem to forgive ourselves for. Also true that we won’t always make the better choice in these instances. But how many of these very simple positive choices are you making every day that are going unrecognized?

Years ago, I took a parent educator course where I was introduced to this quote from Diane Wagenhals of the Institute for Family Professionals. Wagenhals said, “There are literally millions of opportunities to interact in healthy ways with your children. You can screw up several thousand times and still do enough healthy stuff to produce emotionally healthy kids.”

Whether parenting, trying to adapt a healthier lifestyle, trying to live by your values, or just trying to be a better person, isn’t it refreshing to know you can screw up several thousand times and still do millions of things right? And the coaching exercise for this post is just to acknowledge them.

All the best,

~ Sophie

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“We don't get to choose what is true. We only get to choose what we do about it.” ~ Kami Garcia, author

“The hardest choices in life aren't between what's right and what's wrong but between what's right and what's best.” ~ Jamie Ford, author

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt, 26th U.S. President

“I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude.” ~ Judith Knowlton, author 

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” ~ Flora Whittemore, author

Methods & Madness

My sister, Tessa, is a chef in Manhattan. Recently she created a series of culinary events she calls Methods & Madness.  The idea behind these events is for her to team up with a professional from another field and, based on what she learns, to create a menu inspired by the work that they do. She has so far partnered with a painter/illustrator, a perfumer, and a font designer for some truly memorable dinners served at communal tables in unique settings.

What I like about these dinners – besides the fantastic food – is the creativity and curiosity that are behind it. My sister is exploiting what we can all learn by stepping out of our routines, by getting curious, and by gaining inspiration from the most unexpected places.

It reminds me of a problem-solving technique I learned many years ago. In it, you put your challenge aside momentarily and you pick a completely random topic – like things related to the beach – and you brainstorm for a few minutes about that topic. So you’d list things like sand, shovel, waves, umbrella, etc. After you’d exhausted your ideas, you’d pull your original problem back out and see if anything on the beach list could inform your solution to your current problem.  So, if my original problem was say, dealing with a difficult co-worker, I’d think about how waves or an umbrella might help me. Maybe it just reminds me that relationships with colleagues move in waves and that when they are more violent, I need to just ride them or get out of the water. Or maybe it makes me think that possibly some sort of physical barrier, like an umbrella blocking the sun - or a closed office door - would help the situation. I always liked this technique for the same reasons I like the Methods and Madness dinners – it’s another example of stepping out of your current pattern of thinking to gain inspiration.

So how can I apply what I’ve learned from watching Tessa prepare for her Methods & Madness events?  I’m thinking about talking to people in other fields to find out how processes and tools they use might inspire me. There are even people in my own organization whose jobs I don’t understand, which, if I learned more about, might inform how I do mine. Even more, Tessa really creates beauty out of everyday life by turning what someone does routinely into delicious and beautiful dishes. She’s just reminded me of the importance of reaching out and getting curious in another arena and the tasty morsels that can come from that.

Enjoy!
~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

Try some methods and madness experiments of your own. Here are some ideas. If you come up with other ones, please share.  

• Interview someone who does something different than you do: Ask to shadow them in their own setting, or take them out for coffee and really try to get a picture of the tools and methods they employ in their day-to-day work or lives.
• Try the problem-solving technique above with a challenge you are facing.
• Sign-up for a one-day course in a discipline you haven’t been exposed to – psychology, engineering, religion, gardening – and see how you can apply what you learn to those disciplines you do engage in.
• Talk to someone either very young or very old for a new perspective.  With either group, you can be quite up-front about what you are looking to change or to accomplish. Children will tell you straight-out what you should do; elderly people will usually be happy to share their experience or perspective.
• Request a job rotation or take on an internship in some tangential field to your own.

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

This quote, which is actually a poem, has nothing to do with the theme of this post, but it does relate to several posts I have written in the past, about gratitude and about seeing the positive in a situation. This was shared at a conference I attended for hospice volunteers earlier this week.

The Uses of Sorrow

(In my sleep, I dreamed this poem)

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

~ Mary Oliver 

Don't Plan On It

I’m taking a project management course this week. My head is filled with SMART objectives, work breakdown structures, project requirement documents, and schedule planning.

While detailed planning is the right way to proceed before embarking on many types of projects and activities, it isn't the only way to move forward. Sometimes we need to press on even when we don’ t know what each step in the process will look like, or what the end result will be. 

An example of when we need to move ahead without knowing necessarily where we are heading is parenting. When our children are young, we have no idea what kind of teenagers they will be, or what kind of people they will ultimately become, yet we have to continue doing the best we are capable of doing to raise them. When they’re infants, we can’t imagine how we’ll handle it when they are 17 and we find pot in their bedrooms, but by the time it happens (if it happens), we will. There’s no project plan you can write for parenting.

A friend wrote to me today:  “It feels like an important time in my life and it seems to be on the right track. I read a quote sometime in the past year that has been guiding me: "Go as far as you can see; when you get there, you'll be able to see farther."* As much as possible, I'm enjoying the journey.” My friend has recently ended a several year relationship, is looking for a new place to live and for new ways to expand his consulting practice.  He’s moving ahead without knowing how his business is ultimately going to look, where he’ll be living, or who he’ll be living with. But he knows that as he takes action, more will become clear. And I admire his approach; how he’s chosen to be while waiting for that clarity.

Here’s hoping as you move forward, your vision expands,

~ Sophie

* Quote attributed to Thomas Carlyle, Scottish historian and essayist in the Victorian era and/or to American banker, John Pierpont Morgan. Gotta love those Internet quote sites!

COACHING EXERCISE

What do you desire (or need) to move forward with, even if you don’t know where it will lead? Is it doing some writing, even if you don’t know if you’ll ever get published? Is it thinking about some sort of move, even if you don’t know yet where you want to go? Is it making a big purchase? Getting married? Getting fit? Taking on a work assignment you have no idea how you'll accomplish? 

Your assignment: Go as far as you can see, and see what more you can see when you get there.

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” ~ John Lennon  
• “To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” ~ Anatole France, French poet, journalist and novelist.  
• “Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.” ~ Robert Lewis Stevenson, author  
• “It is far better to foresee even without certainty than not to foresee at all.” ~ Henri Poincare, French mathematician, physicist, engineer and philosopher

Show Up

•  At my wedding, a distant cousin and her husband told me that they attend every family occasion that they are invited to. “We got tired of only going to funerals,” they said. “If we’re asked, we say yes."
•   Recently, my mother attended a meeting that she really didn’t want to go to. She was tired, and she’d already been to enough meetings on the same topic. But she went, and she discovered that the evening’s presenter is working in an office where she once worked. Now she is advising him on a project and is excited about how that working relationship may continue to develop.
•   When my friend got divorced last year, she knew she wanted to find someone else who’d be a better-suited mate, and she didn’t sit around for one minute waiting for one to magically appear. She put herself in every situation she could think of to meet someone new – a triathalon team-in-training, speed dating, J-Date. And even if she didn’t meet any interesting prospects this way, she focused on what she learned, or how she was developing as a person, out of each one (and she completed a triathalon!).  

What do all of these anecdotes have in common? Showing up: Making an effort or putting yourself out there even when it isn’t convenient, when you don’t really want to,  even when you don’t instantly get the results you are seeking.

And showing up doesn’t just mean literally showing up – though that’s a critical part of it. Showing up means being visible once you get out there: making an event better because you were there, adding something to the situation that wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t there, connecting with someone in a memorable way.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I am good at neither of these things. I just skipped my 25^th college reunion. I say I need to widen my network in New York City and I haven’t attended a single professional association meeting. When I’m at an event, I often don’t make the kind of meaningful contribution that I’m seeking to make. In other words, my distant cousin, my mother, and my friend are my heroes and I aspire to be more like them. In other words, I’m going to be working on the coaching exercise below along with any of you who take it on. Because, like all of us, I need to show up!

All the best,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE

Part 1 - Show up. Where do you need to show up this week? Is there an appointment you’ve been putting off? Is there someone you've been meaning to spend time with? Is there an event coming up you’ve been dreading? The first part of this exercise -- Just do it. Make it there. Show up.

Part 2 – Really show up. Are you an introvert? Do you sometimes feel that people don’t really notice when you’re there? What can you do about this? Start with a baby step. Make a meaningful connection with just one other person, contribute just one comment in your next meeting, ask one powerful question of someone else in the room, give one helpful piece of advice. You are unique; you have a lot to offer. Once you’re showing up literally, think about what it takes to show up emotionally as well.

Then show up here – on this blog. I’d love to know how this goes for you, or your thoughts on this post. Leave a comment below. Or just e-mail me “off-line” to tell me how you're showing up. I’m always happy to hear from you. 

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “The world is run by those who show up.” ~ Sometimes attributed to anonymous sources; other times to engineering expert, Robert B. Johnson
• "Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come." ~ Anne Lamont, author
• "I've found that luck is quite predictable. If you want more luck, take more chances. Be more active. Show up more often." ~ Brian Tracy, television host

Choose Your Attitude

I haven’t been happy at work lately and it’s really put me in a funk. But then somehow,  something shifted for me. I remembered something sort of Zen a former boss of mine once said to the effect of, “It’s the same day whether you choose to be happy about it or not.”

This sentiment has been expressed over and over throughout time (see some of the quotes below): That all that we humans have control over are our attitudes, not our circumstances; That a positive outlook does more for us than worldly goods, money, or status. The sentiment is especially poignant for me when expressed by Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning. He said, "The last of the human freedoms is to choose your attitude in any given set of circumstances." I sincerely hope my circumstances, and those of the people I love, are never as dire as those he found himself in. So, in my far less dismal circumstances, I can certainly be guided by this belief. I can choose my attitude.

So, what have I chosen to do in my current situation? I’ve decided to focus on what I loved about my job for the first year before things took a turn for the worse; I’ve decided to really be a stickler about only working the 30-hour week I was hired for and take those extra 10 hours to do things that do make me happy; I’ve decided to work more on a coaching app I am thinking of developing; and I've decided to keep my eyes open for ways to be happier at work. 

It’s the same day, regardless of how you choose to respond to it. I hope you respond in a way that brings you fulfillment and joy. That’s your coaching exercise for this post.

Best,

~ Sophie

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

"The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances." ~ Martha Washington

"We awaken in others the same attitude of mind we hold toward them." ~ Elbert Hubbard

 “Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” ~ Francesca Reigler

 “If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.” ~ Amy Tan

“I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days, or great days.” ~ Lance Armstrong

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” ~ Oscar Wilde

The Sound of Silence

While I usually share a coaching exercise and some quotes in each of these posts, this time the quote and the coaching exercise are one and the same.

Last week, I came across a quote I’d written down several years ago from Shirdi Sai Baba, an Indian saint. He said, “Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?”

As I carried that quote in my thoughts over the last several days, a few situations all converged that made me decide that this is a good time to write about the subject of silence.

First, I came across some reviews of new book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. In it, author Susan Cain writes about how “introverts think more, are less reckless, and focus on what really matters—relationships and meaningful work—rather than on the glittering but empty prizes of financial reward and job title. Introverts are Rosa Parks and Gandhi. Extroverts are economy-busting Wall Street CEOs.”* She posits that at times, all of us—even extroverts—would be better off being left alone with our thoughts. *The quote is from a review of Quiet in The Wall Street Journal by Philip Delves Broughton.

At the same time, I was reading a wonderful novel by Geraldine Brooks about the real-life first Native American graduate of Harvard College in 1665 (Caleb’s Crossing). It’s told from the point-of-view of a young woman in a settlement of English Puritans living alongside Native American tribes. Bethia learns over and over again “the use of silence” and both the gifts and frustrations it brings.

Finally, I was heading downtown last weekend and about to enter Times Square. ‘Darn,’ I thought, ‘I hate walking through Times Square. It’s crowded, it’s noisy; maybe I should go some other way.’ But I was already headed right there. It was early last Saturday morning and as I approached, I noticed something different. Some of the streets were cordoned off. There were no cars. And pedestrians were walking silently along the perimeter on the sidewalks while in the center of Times Square hundreds of people were seated cross-legged on the ground with their eyes closed. Meditating. There were perhaps as many people in Times Square at that moment as at any other time, yet there was a respectful hush; the only sound an occasional gong. It was truly an amazing moment: A moment when the sound of silence overpowered all else and when thousands of strangers – those seated in meditation and those who had the good fortune to stumble upon them – became connected.

All of these things – happening in such close proximity to each other - made me think about quieting down; about whether much of what we speak is actually necessary, true and kind. About what’s possible when we stop talking and start listening: listening to others, listening to our own inner wisdom, listening to our surroundings.

So that’s the coaching exercise for this post, whether you think about it for an hour, a day, or a week. What happens when you speak only when it “improves on silence?” What effect does it have on your thought processes? Your work? Your relationships? Can you tap in to the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking?

Telling Tales

“The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.” 

~ Muriel Rukeyser, American poet and political activist

Stories play a powerful part in our lives. The stories of our families and friends are those we share again and again; that define who we are and what matters to us. In 2003, I created a leadership course for the City of Redwood City that was focused on storytelling. Here’s the rationale I shared back then:

• The right story at the right time can make a strong connection with your listener
• Telling a story lets you approach a problem indirectly, working past the defenses of your listener
• A story can establish a common vision
• A well thought-out story can make the complex understandable
• A story can give meaning and context to your work
• A story touches the emotions; enabling your message to reach both thinking and feeling types
• They’ll remember a story

Since that course, I’ve always kept a file of stories that I want to remember. Here are a couple of my favorites:

A man pulled his car in to a gas station and said to the attendant, “I’m new to town. What’s it like?” “Well,” said the attendant, “What are people like where you came from?” “Not so nice,” the man replied, “In fact, quite rude.” “I’m afraid you’ll find the same here,” said the attendant. Before long, another car pulled up and its driver asked the same question. When the attendant asked him about the people in his home town, the second driver said, “I came from a great place. The people were friendly and I hated to leave.” “Well,” said the attendant, “You’ll find the same to be true of this town.”  The first man, now irritated, asked, “So what is this town really like?” To which the attendant replied, “It’s all a matter of perception. You’ll find things to be just the way you think they are.”

When engineers came to Thomas Edison looking for work, he would give them a lightbulb and ask, “How much water will it hold?”  Engineers who used gauges to measure all the angles of the bulb and then calculate the surface area (taking 20 minutes) were shown the door.  Those who took about a minute to pour water in to the bulb and then pour that in to a measuring cup were hired.

In addition to parables like these, sharing stories of things that have happened to you has the power to heal, to help others overcome their obstacles, and to deepen relationships. The coaching exercises below can help you integrate stories in to your work or personal life.

And may you all live happily ever after,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

·       Start a story storehouse. This can be a computer file, as I have, or a file of scraps or index cards. Collect stories that you hear, that you read on the Internet, or that have happened to you in the storehouse. 

·    Once in a while, sit and think about what challenges you’ve recently faced and what you’ve learned from them and write them out.

·    Write about people you come across in your day-to-day life who are particularly memorable, or talk about them with your friends. They may make perfect illustrations of who you aspire to be, or who you want to avoid becoming. 

·    Read stories or novels. 

·    Read books like Storytelling in Organizations: Why Storytelling is Transforming 21^st Century Organizations and Management or The Anatomy of Story: 22 Steps to Becoming a Master Storyteller (If you do a search on Amazon.com for books on storytelling, these and many others will pop up). 

·    Post your favorite stories in the comments section here.

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW 

• “If history were taught in the form of stories, it would never be forgotten.” ~ Rudyard Kipling, author
• “There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before.” ~ Willa Cather 
• “The best leaders... almost without exception and at every level, are master users of stories and symbols.” ~ Tom Peters
• “I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes, American poet, post-trauma specialist and Jungian psychoanalyst
• "God made man because he loves stories." ~ Yiddish proverb

Fake It ’Till You Make It

In a recent argument with my husband, in defense of my own nastiness, I found myself saying something to the effect of, “I’m not going to fake love when I’m not feeling it.” All of a sudden it hit me - That was the root of the problem. When I wasn’t feeling love, what I really had to do was fake it; to act loving, instead of retreating to an angry, sullen place. Hadn’t I challenged clients for years to “act as if”(act as if you are a Leader, act as if you know what you are doing, act as if you are that mother you want to emulate)? If it was a good idea for them, wasn’t it also a good idea for me?

I think my main obstacle to acting loving when I felt angry was my belief that doing so would go against my authentic nature. I pride myself in being “real.” I like to think that people know what they are getting when it comes to me. So, how could I act in a way that was fake and still be my authentic self? It occurred to me that there is another way that I define myself; as a loving person. I realized that if I acted in a way that wasn’t authentic, but did so in order to be more of myself in another way, I wasn’t really acting against my very nature. And I knew that acting a certain way for a discrete period of time because of the circumstances in that moment didn’t really change who I am at my core (which is why I was able to think of myself as a loving person even when I was being angry and bitchy). And, of course in the bigger picture, I do have a great husband whom I do love (and who even is okay with my writing about our personal life and posting it on this blog!).

So, I had my rationale for faking it. Now I needed to try it out. The opportunity soon arose. During our recent vacation, I blew up about some situation regarding our luggage and stormed out of the hotel room. Rather than stewing in my negative feelings and being unapproachable until I felt better, I decided to act in a loving way. And when I did? I got a loving response. And when that happened, I felt good and I forgot about the luggage issue and I had a really great time for the rest of our vacation.

Another thing I’d shared over the years not only with clients, but also with my kids, is that you can’t control what happens to you – only your reactions to it. I’m going to be trying to react with love – even if I have to fake it.

All the best,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE

What can you fake until you make it? Can you fake that you like your boss, your teammate, or your job? Can you fake that you are organized or in control? Can you pretend to be a master marketer, an extrovert, or a fantastic friend?

Pick something and, as you try acting “as if,” think about these questions:

• What do you have to put aside to be able to fake it?
• What are you choosing to honor instead of that belief you are setting aside?
• Is there any truth to what you are “faking?”
• What happens when you try it?
• Do you want to try it again?

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make or break a company…a church…or a home.   The remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And, so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”  ~ Charles Swindoll, Christian pastor, author, educator

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” ~ Jewish tradition

The Power of Habit

Over the years, I’ve worked to eradicate certain undesirable habits of my own, as well as watching as my coaching clients tried to do the same. I’ve learned some things about habits along the way – for instance that a habit that took years to take hold can’t be quickly gotten rid of, or that one should try to interrupt habits by identifying that critical moment when you are about to launch in to the habitual behavior (e.g. instead of coming home and turning to the right towards the kitchen, see what happens when you turn left towards the closet where your sneakers are kept instead). Still, I never really felt I was comfortably versed in the science behind these practices.

A new book remedies that situation. I just finished Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business and feel like I have a much better understanding of how habits are formed in individuals, organizations and societies. While the entire book is a fascinating look at the nature of habits, with intriguing illustrations from science, history, sports, business, etc., it was the Appendix that really brought it all together in practical, easy-to-follow steps (hence its subtitle: A Reader’s Guide to Using These Ideas). The coaching exercise for this post comes from that appendix.

Habits aren’t all bad. Flossing one’s teeth, exercising, and telling the truth are all good examples of more healthy habits. And, if we didn’t have some habits in place, we’d have to make a lot of extra decisions each and every day. The fact that we do some things routinely makes life simpler and more efficient. What’s important is making sure that the habits we do have are serving us well.

All the best,

~ Sophie 

COACHING EXERCISE

I can’t really do the book justice, but I can suggest just one exercise from the Appendix of The Power of Habit here. This exercise focuses on isolating the cue to some of your more destructive habits. This is the third of four steps to replace one habit with another.

If, as research suggests, cravings, and habitual behaviors that satisfy those cravings, are cued by one of five different factors, you can isolate the cue leading to your habitual behavior by tracking your responses to these five questions each time the craving to do something hits you (e.g. flop down on the couch, smoke, say “How was school?”, pick an argument):

• Where was I when this craving hit? (location)
• What time of day was it when this craving hit? (time) 
• How was I feeling when I first noticed this craving? (emotional state)
• Who was around when this craving came upon me? (other people) 
• What had just happened when this craving hit (immediately preceding action)?

If you track answers to all five of these questions over the period of several days or weeks every time the urge to perform this habit comes over you, you will see patterns emerge. It allowed the author to see that he craved cookies at the same time of day and to create new habits during that same time period. It allowed one of my clients to see that it was being around a certain friend that triggered her overspending / shopping habit, and allowed another to see that she overate when she was aggravated following certain types of meetings at work.

I haven’t quite made this work for me yet (so far, I’m seeing that having one sweet food is what cues me to take another one, but not getting at what makes me have that very first one). If you have more success in figuring out a pattern for your cues, I’d love to hear about it!

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “A man who gives his children habits of industry provides for them better than by giving them fortune.” ~ Richard Whately, English rhetorician, logician, economist, and theologian
• “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~ Aristotle
• “Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.” ~ Nathaniel Emmons, American theologian
• "Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones." ~ Benjamin Franklin

Be Awe-Inspired

Last week, for a miraculous half-hour, I had the ruins of Machu Pichu all to myself. The rest of my family was doing an early morning climb up a treacherous mountain peak (that I had opted out of at the last moment),  and the swarms of tourists who would later take over the park had not yet arrived. The fog was lifting off the valley floor, the song of the birds was the only sound other than my footsteps in the gravel. Wandering alone through these centuries-old structures was magic. To stand in the spot where thousands of years ago a civilization of people had built something so lasting in such an inaccessible - yet dramatically beautiful - setting took my breath away. How I could be standing alone in the jungles of Peru while at the same time at home in Manhattan, life existed so completely differently was awe-inspiring. 

And so I return to the topic that I so often do - Gratitude. Because isn't awe a form of gratitude? A recognition of the incredible-ness of things? An awareness that you are present to a moment of beauty, strength, or wonder? And one doesn't need to travel miles to experience it. There is awe in a chalk drawing on the sidewalk, a guitar solo on the subway platform, the facade of a beautiful building from New York's turn-of-the-century; in a baby's fingers, a sunset, or a piece of art, whether an oil painting, an exquisite taste, a series of notes in a musical phrase, or a beautifully crafted sentence.

Your coaching exercise for this post? Find something that brings you to your knees, brings tears to your eyes, makes your hand fly to your heart. Be awe-inspired.

And in the place of quotations to accompany this post, some photos of our recent trip (taken by my husband).

All the best,
~ Sophie

You're Thoughtful, Evolving and Caring

Here’s a coaching tool we can all use in our everyday life - acknowledging.

Acknowledging is a way of providing recognition to someone else – and don’t we all appreciate being recognized? Acknowledging is less about noticing what people are accomplishing (e.g. “You did really well on that science quiz,” or “You did a great job on that project”), and all about how they are accomplishing it; how they are "being" as they get all this wonderful stuff done. For example, two people may have helped you with something today, but one might have been joyful and energized while doing it, and the other might have been engaging and warm while doing it.

When we give someone an acknowledgment (which might sound like, "Nancy, you are bright, authentic and welcoming" or "Dean, you are funny and devoted"), s/he usually feels like you have taken the time to really get to know him or her. It’s a great way to recognize someone.

Your coaching exercise for this post is to try it out. Here are some tips:

• Start with the words, "You are...." This will ensure that you are focusing on who the person is, rather than on what s/he is doing.
• Say who the person is being and then stop. Let what you've said sink in. Don't dilute the power of your acknowledgment by continuing to talk and explain. Just "You are inspiring" and that's it.
• This isn't a natural way we talk to each other on a day-to-day basis, so you may want to prepare in advance. Think about someone you'd like to recognize and then think about who you know that person to be. Write down an adjective, or two, or three (more than that is too many to take in at one time).
• Avoid generic adjectives, like “great,” “terrific” or “awesome.” The more specific you can be about the person in front of you, the more impact your statement has and the more connected you become. 
• As the NIKE campaign used to say, "just do it." This might feel like an awkward type of statement to make. Try it once. See how it goes and, if you're inspired, try it again. I'd love to hear how it goes!
• If you want a baby step here, put an acknowledgment in writing instead of stating it aloud. I do this in thank you notes, on birthday cards, in e-mails to colleagues who I want to recognize, and occasionally (but not often enough) on sticky notes for my kids and husband. 

You, my readers, are thoughtful, evolving and caring (otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading about this sort of stuff!). Go out and display your caring through an acknowledgment.

Best,
~ Sophie

P.S. Did you notice some changes to the blog? Other than some new formatting, three new pages have been added (see the row directly beneath the name of the blog for the tabs):

• "About This Blog" tells you what this blog is all about,
• "Books & Websites" is a comprehensive list of all of those resources that I have featured in one of the posts to the blog (and maybe some I love that I haven't yet had a chance to highlight), and 
• "Index" is an annotated list of posts to this blog to make finding one again easier. 

Please share your feedback about the blog any time and hope you like the new features!

In Friendship...

British playwright, screenwriter, actor and author, Alan Bennett, is quoted as saying, “The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought unique and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.”

This would explain why I’m loving the book MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend by Rachel Bertsche. I don’t just feel like a hand has taken ahold of mine, I feel like I’m reading my own story: Re-locating to a new city and having a hard time creating meaningful friendships? Check. Having as my main interests books, television, and movies? Check. Being engaged in noticing what I’m experiencing and chronicling it? Check Check (hence this blog). This is a book I relate to on multiple levels.

Throughout, Bertsche explores some questions about friendships that I’m finding very valuable to do some thinking about for myself. Questions like:

• What constitutes best friendship? What kind of friends do you really want? Are they the same type of friends you needed at other stages of your life? 
• How do you make new friends? How do you deepen the relationships you have now? And how do you do those things while nurturing your marriage, doing your job, and fulfilling your other obligations? 
• Who do you want to be as a friend? Who are you being? 
• Psychologists Debra Oswald and Eddie Clark identify four necessary behaviors to make a friendship stick: Self-disclosure, supportiveness, interactivity, and positivity. How are you measuring up in these areas? 
• How does social media change the nature of friendships? 
• What is the difference between loneliness and being alone? 

The book reads like a good romantic comedy that’s sprinkled with insights from social psychology and intriguing observations on the authors’ part.

Can you tell I’m enjoying this book (My Kindle says I’m only 44% of the way through)? Even if you’re not (somewhat) recently relocated as I am, I think you’ll really enjoy ruminating on friendships and come away from reading MWF Seeking BFF feeling very thankful for those you have.

In friendship,
~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

• Respond to some of the questions posed above: Talk about them with others, journal about them, or post some thoughts in the comments section below. 
• Put yourself out there: You don’t have to go quite as far as the author did (she challenged herself to go on 52 friend dates – one per week – for a full year), but I’d guess that all of us could push ourselves in some way to be more of a friend to others: 

- Since starting the book, I’ve sent out five invitations to people I want to become friends with and three invitations to friends I haven’t seen in awhile. Just sending out the invitations felt great – and the fact that I have now plans with all but one of these people feels even greater. 

- In my life, I have twice approached someone with a statement to the effect of, “We haven’t really spoken much, but the few times we have spoken, I’ve really enjoyed our conversations. Would you like to have lunch?” It felt risky until I thought about how good I would feel if someone came to me with a similar invitation. Are there any potential friends you want to take a risk on? What have you got to lose? 

- Jeff and I had a New Year’s resolution to host a dinner party a month. We haven’t really stuck closely to it, but we’ve had some really lovely evenings here and seen a few friendships grow out of it. Would you enjoy hosting a few friends in this intimate, unrushed setting? 

• Pull out a paper and pencil and start listing your friends in each of these four categories, identified by journalist Valerie Frankel and quoted in MFW Seeking BFF. It might feel strange to classify your friends in this way, but it can be very eye-opening. If you feel you have few friends, you might be surprised to find out how many you actually do have. If you feel like you have no room in your life for more friends, you may make the opposite discovery (Bertsche shares anthropologist Robin Dunbar’s belief that human brains can keep up a social network of 150 (across all four of these categories)):

1. The acquaintance, someone you’d chat with on the street or at a local café who gives you a sense of belonging 
2. The casual friend, a grab lunch pal who often serves a specific purpose, such as a tennis or running partner 
3. The close buddy, an intimate, trustworthy companion you can say anything to 
4. The lifer, who’s as deep and forever as family. 

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
• “A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.” ~ Leo Buscaglia
• “A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.” ~ Arnold H. Glasow
• “But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
• “Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” ~ Aristotle