In Friendship...

British playwright, screenwriter, actor and author, Alan Bennett, is quoted as saying, “The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought unique and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.”

This would explain why I’m loving the book MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend by Rachel Bertsche. I don’t just feel like a hand has taken ahold of mine, I feel like I’m reading my own story: Re-locating to a new city and having a hard time creating meaningful friendships? Check. Having as my main interests books, television, and movies? Check. Being engaged in noticing what I’m experiencing and chronicling it? Check Check (hence this blog). This is a book I relate to on multiple levels.

Throughout, Bertsche explores some questions about friendships that I’m finding very valuable to do some thinking about for myself. Questions like:

• What constitutes best friendship? What kind of friends do you really want? Are they the same type of friends you needed at other stages of your life? 
• How do you make new friends? How do you deepen the relationships you have now? And how do you do those things while nurturing your marriage, doing your job, and fulfilling your other obligations? 
• Who do you want to be as a friend? Who are you being? 
• Psychologists Debra Oswald and Eddie Clark identify four necessary behaviors to make a friendship stick: Self-disclosure, supportiveness, interactivity, and positivity. How are you measuring up in these areas? 
• How does social media change the nature of friendships? 
• What is the difference between loneliness and being alone? 

The book reads like a good romantic comedy that’s sprinkled with insights from social psychology and intriguing observations on the authors’ part.

Can you tell I’m enjoying this book (My Kindle says I’m only 44% of the way through)? Even if you’re not (somewhat) recently relocated as I am, I think you’ll really enjoy ruminating on friendships and come away from reading MWF Seeking BFF feeling very thankful for those you have.

In friendship,
~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

• Respond to some of the questions posed above: Talk about them with others, journal about them, or post some thoughts in the comments section below. 
• Put yourself out there: You don’t have to go quite as far as the author did (she challenged herself to go on 52 friend dates – one per week – for a full year), but I’d guess that all of us could push ourselves in some way to be more of a friend to others: 

- Since starting the book, I’ve sent out five invitations to people I want to become friends with and three invitations to friends I haven’t seen in awhile. Just sending out the invitations felt great – and the fact that I have now plans with all but one of these people feels even greater. 

- In my life, I have twice approached someone with a statement to the effect of, “We haven’t really spoken much, but the few times we have spoken, I’ve really enjoyed our conversations. Would you like to have lunch?” It felt risky until I thought about how good I would feel if someone came to me with a similar invitation. Are there any potential friends you want to take a risk on? What have you got to lose? 

- Jeff and I had a New Year’s resolution to host a dinner party a month. We haven’t really stuck closely to it, but we’ve had some really lovely evenings here and seen a few friendships grow out of it. Would you enjoy hosting a few friends in this intimate, unrushed setting? 

• Pull out a paper and pencil and start listing your friends in each of these four categories, identified by journalist Valerie Frankel and quoted in MFW Seeking BFF. It might feel strange to classify your friends in this way, but it can be very eye-opening. If you feel you have few friends, you might be surprised to find out how many you actually do have. If you feel like you have no room in your life for more friends, you may make the opposite discovery (Bertsche shares anthropologist Robin Dunbar’s belief that human brains can keep up a social network of 150 (across all four of these categories)):

1. The acquaintance, someone you’d chat with on the street or at a local café who gives you a sense of belonging 
2. The casual friend, a grab lunch pal who often serves a specific purpose, such as a tennis or running partner 
3. The close buddy, an intimate, trustworthy companion you can say anything to 
4. The lifer, who’s as deep and forever as family. 

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
• “A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.” ~ Leo Buscaglia
• “A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.” ~ Arnold H. Glasow
• “But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
• “Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” ~ Aristotle