Fake It ’Till You Make It

In a recent argument with my husband, in defense of my own nastiness, I found myself saying something to the effect of, “I’m not going to fake love when I’m not feeling it.” All of a sudden it hit me - That was the root of the problem. When I wasn’t feeling love, what I really had to do was fake it; to act loving, instead of retreating to an angry, sullen place. Hadn’t I challenged clients for years to “act as if”(act as if you are a Leader, act as if you know what you are doing, act as if you are that mother you want to emulate)? If it was a good idea for them, wasn’t it also a good idea for me?

I think my main obstacle to acting loving when I felt angry was my belief that doing so would go against my authentic nature. I pride myself in being “real.” I like to think that people know what they are getting when it comes to me. So, how could I act in a way that was fake and still be my authentic self? It occurred to me that there is another way that I define myself; as a loving person. I realized that if I acted in a way that wasn’t authentic, but did so in order to be more of myself in another way, I wasn’t really acting against my very nature. And I knew that acting a certain way for a discrete period of time because of the circumstances in that moment didn’t really change who I am at my core (which is why I was able to think of myself as a loving person even when I was being angry and bitchy). And, of course in the bigger picture, I do have a great husband whom I do love (and who even is okay with my writing about our personal life and posting it on this blog!).

So, I had my rationale for faking it. Now I needed to try it out. The opportunity soon arose. During our recent vacation, I blew up about some situation regarding our luggage and stormed out of the hotel room. Rather than stewing in my negative feelings and being unapproachable until I felt better, I decided to act in a loving way. And when I did? I got a loving response. And when that happened, I felt good and I forgot about the luggage issue and I had a really great time for the rest of our vacation.

Another thing I’d shared over the years not only with clients, but also with my kids, is that you can’t control what happens to you – only your reactions to it. I’m going to be trying to react with love – even if I have to fake it.

All the best,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE

What can you fake until you make it? Can you fake that you like your boss, your teammate, or your job? Can you fake that you are organized or in control? Can you pretend to be a master marketer, an extrovert, or a fantastic friend?

Pick something and, as you try acting “as if,” think about these questions:

• What do you have to put aside to be able to fake it?
• What are you choosing to honor instead of that belief you are setting aside?
• Is there any truth to what you are “faking?”
• What happens when you try it?
• Do you want to try it again?

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make or break a company…a church…or a home.   The remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And, so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”  ~ Charles Swindoll, Christian pastor, author, educator

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” ~ Jewish tradition