My Advice on Advice

Some boilerplate advice I love. “Outdo each other with kindness every day” is some of the best marital advice I’ve heard; while “Don’t go to bed mad” doesn’t do it for me. Because sometimes I go to bed mad and I wake up to a beautiful new day with a clear head and I think, “What was I so upset about? So glad I didn’t bring that up last night.”

“Nap when the baby naps” is another one. What if I’m not tired? What if I want to use the opportunity when the baby is napping to spend some rare alone time doing something I want to do? The pressure I used to feel to nap when my kids were napping made what could have been the treasured, calm part of my day one of the more stressful.

People who give advice mean well; they want the best for you. The problem is what’s best for one person isn’t necessarily the same for another. In my coaching certification program we were instructed not to give advice for this very reason. What advice is stressing you out? Can you disregard it? Who's consistently given you good advice?

My opinion? Be discerning.

Difficult Conversations, Part 2

After preparing to have a difficult conversation (see prior post), then you can determine whether or not to raise the issue at all using a set of questions starting with what you hope to accomplish and whether a conversation is the best way to accomplish it. You’ll also consider whether the issue is actually your identity issue and/or whether you can help the situation just by changing your contribution. Finally, if you don’t raise the issue, what can you do to help yourself let it go?

In a difficult conversation, your opening is critical. Most of us start with our own story - what we think, feel or need, e.g. “I feel disrespected by you. Can we talk about this?” The authors of the model suggest starting from a “third story” – the story a neutral observer would tell; a story that contains viewpoints that both parties would agree with, like “You and I have different preferences on when and how we should wash the dishes. I wonder if that’s something we can talk about? I need you to help me understand where you’re coming from on this.”

There are two more steps in the model, but I found the most value in the steps leading up to an actual conversation and the opening. Let me know what happens if you give that a try.

Difficult Conversations, Part 1

I’ve been using a model I really love in a workshop for supervisors. It comes from the 1999 book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Obviously, that topic is more widely applicable than just for supervisors. In fact, I used Step 1 – Prepare – in advance of a tough discussion I was about to have with my husband. Here’s what the model asked me to think about:

• Multiple stories - How would each person in the conversation answer the question, what happened?
• Contribution - What has each person contributed to this situation? In just about every situation, both parties have contributed in some way, even if the split is 5% / 95%. The authors use the extreme example of an extramarital affair to illustrate this.
• Feelings – What feelings might each of you be bringing to this discussion?
• Identity - Difficult conversations can threaten our perception of ourselves. Anxiety comes not only from having to face the other person, but also from having to face ourselves. The conversation has the potential to disrupt our sense of who we are, or to highlight what we hope we are, but fear we are not. So, for example, would my concern about someone’s apparent lack of  respect be about her behavior, or might it be about my lack of tolerance for others’ opinions?

Lots of great stuff to consider before you sit down to talk.

All the best,

~ Sophie

P.S. Paring this quite nuanced and sophisticated tool into such a very simplistic overview took 32 words more than I promised you per post. Sorry! I’ll tell you about steps 2 & 3 (out of 5) next time.

The World Will Go On

Please know that I'm not saying what I'm about to say to insult you. Rather I offer this message in order to release you; to allow you to step away from your work, your familial obligations, etc. with a sense of freedom. So here goes: You're not that essential. 

 

The world will go on in your absence - or if you don't respond to an email in the next 24 hours. And, as it goes on, the people around you will gain some valuable experience. If you step out of your family situation for a break, new relationships will develop or deepen. Your children will do things you usually do for them and assert their independence.  When you step away from work, even if you're the only person who can do whatever it is you do, someone else will get the opportunity to learn it. People will step up to the plate and their doing so will be a valuable opportunity for them. People are more adaptable than we give them credit for; and we return to them restored and better able to support them. Basically, we're just not as essential as we sometimes think we are.

So what can you do with the gift of knowing that you're not needed? Whatever it is, enjoy it!

All the best!

~ Sophie

A Teenager on Procrastination

This post is my 14-year old’s explanation of his new approach to procrastination (that he adapted from an article he read on the Internet):

“With everyday tasks, you’ll assign pleasure to some and pain to others.  Procrastination is generally caused by people attaching pain to certain things and then wanting to avoid pain. The trick is to try to attach pleasure to the things you don’t like to do. This can be a reward, or anything that makes you happy for that matter. An example of mine is doing my homework. Homework is normally something people attach pain to and I found a way to attach pleasure to it through being able to say, ‘I’m done with my work. I have free time now to do what I want.’ So now this painful task creates pleasure – free time for me.”

What do you assign pain to? What pleasure can you assign to that activity instead?  Does doing that help you get to it any faster?

Good luck,

~ Sophie

• “It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.” ~ Leonardo da Vinci

• “Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” ~ Pablo Picasso

A Year of Productivity

Here are seven things I’ve learned from a blog called “A Year of Productivity.” Its author is spending a year devouring everything he can get his hands on about productivity and sharing what he’s learning (http://ayearofproductivity.com). Fascinating.

 

1.    Finding email through search is way faster than organizing your inbox into folders.
2.   Your office is a pretty crappy environment to get work done. 
3.    Because of smartphones, people are bored less often and missing out on opportunities to look for excitement and ideas.
4.    Getting up early doesn’t make you more productive; getting enough sleep does. To determine whether you should wake up early, ask yourself, can I get more done past 9pm or before 9am?
5.    Taking breaks prevents you from becoming fatigued and helps you slow down, step back, reflect, and come up with better ideas.
6.    Drinking 16oz of water after waking up hydrates you after 8 hours without drinking, gives you more energy, fires up your metabolism, helps you focus, and even helps you eat less.
7.    A lot of people aspire to be productive so they can become happier, but happiness has been shown to lead to productivity, not the other way around.

Here's to a productive week!
All the best,
~ Sophie

Stepping Up to the Plate

A former colleague told me that she’ll go to bat for an idea three times, and if, by that point, she can’t get her higher-ups to see things her way, she lets it go. At least, she explained, she knows she’s said her peace, and then she can focus on supporting whatever the bosses decided to do. While one doesn’t necessarily need a formula like hers to approach situations where ideas differ, I really like some things about it: I believe in pushing back – that pushing back (respectfully and firmly) shows you care. If you go along with ideas you don’t believe in, your conscience may bother you. I also don’t like to always be the naysayer or the obstacle. Sometimes I have to support positions that aren’t my own – in the workplace or with my loved ones. I like the idea of knowing when you’ve pushed enough and the decision is out of your hands. I particularly like that when my colleague reached that point, she moved forward without resentment or regret.

What do you think of this approach? How do you make your opinions known? And how do you remain positive when you’re executing someone else’s?

All the best,

~ Sophie