Difficult Conversations, Part 1

I’ve been using a model I really love in a workshop for supervisors. It comes from the 1999 book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Obviously, that topic is more widely applicable than just for supervisors. In fact, I used Step 1 – Prepare – in advance of a tough discussion I was about to have with my husband. Here’s what the model asked me to think about:

• Multiple stories - How would each person in the conversation answer the question, what happened?
• Contribution - What has each person contributed to this situation? In just about every situation, both parties have contributed in some way, even if the split is 5% / 95%. The authors use the extreme example of an extramarital affair to illustrate this.
• Feelings – What feelings might each of you be bringing to this discussion?
• Identity - Difficult conversations can threaten our perception of ourselves. Anxiety comes not only from having to face the other person, but also from having to face ourselves. The conversation has the potential to disrupt our sense of who we are, or to highlight what we hope we are, but fear we are not. So, for example, would my concern about someone’s apparent lack of  respect be about her behavior, or might it be about my lack of tolerance for others’ opinions?

Lots of great stuff to consider before you sit down to talk.

All the best,

~ Sophie

P.S. Paring this quite nuanced and sophisticated tool into such a very simplistic overview took 32 words more than I promised you per post. Sorry! I’ll tell you about steps 2 & 3 (out of 5) next time.