The Sound of Silence

While I usually share a coaching exercise and some quotes in each of these posts, this time the quote and the coaching exercise are one and the same.

Last week, I came across a quote I’d written down several years ago from Shirdi Sai Baba, an Indian saint. He said, “Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?”

As I carried that quote in my thoughts over the last several days, a few situations all converged that made me decide that this is a good time to write about the subject of silence.

First, I came across some reviews of new book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. In it, author Susan Cain writes about how “introverts think more, are less reckless, and focus on what really matters—relationships and meaningful work—rather than on the glittering but empty prizes of financial reward and job title. Introverts are Rosa Parks and Gandhi. Extroverts are economy-busting Wall Street CEOs.”* She posits that at times, all of us—even extroverts—would be better off being left alone with our thoughts. *The quote is from a review of Quiet in The Wall Street Journal by Philip Delves Broughton.

At the same time, I was reading a wonderful novel by Geraldine Brooks about the real-life first Native American graduate of Harvard College in 1665 (Caleb’s Crossing). It’s told from the point-of-view of a young woman in a settlement of English Puritans living alongside Native American tribes. Bethia learns over and over again “the use of silence” and both the gifts and frustrations it brings.

Finally, I was heading downtown last weekend and about to enter Times Square. ‘Darn,’ I thought, ‘I hate walking through Times Square. It’s crowded, it’s noisy; maybe I should go some other way.’ But I was already headed right there. It was early last Saturday morning and as I approached, I noticed something different. Some of the streets were cordoned off. There were no cars. And pedestrians were walking silently along the perimeter on the sidewalks while in the center of Times Square hundreds of people were seated cross-legged on the ground with their eyes closed. Meditating. There were perhaps as many people in Times Square at that moment as at any other time, yet there was a respectful hush; the only sound an occasional gong. It was truly an amazing moment: A moment when the sound of silence overpowered all else and when thousands of strangers – those seated in meditation and those who had the good fortune to stumble upon them – became connected.

All of these things – happening in such close proximity to each other - made me think about quieting down; about whether much of what we speak is actually necessary, true and kind. About what’s possible when we stop talking and start listening: listening to others, listening to our own inner wisdom, listening to our surroundings.

So that’s the coaching exercise for this post, whether you think about it for an hour, a day, or a week. What happens when you speak only when it “improves on silence?” What effect does it have on your thought processes? Your work? Your relationships? Can you tap in to the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking?

Telling Tales

“The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.” 

~ Muriel Rukeyser, American poet and political activist

Stories play a powerful part in our lives. The stories of our families and friends are those we share again and again; that define who we are and what matters to us. In 2003, I created a leadership course for the City of Redwood City that was focused on storytelling. Here’s the rationale I shared back then:

• The right story at the right time can make a strong connection with your listener
• Telling a story lets you approach a problem indirectly, working past the defenses of your listener
• A story can establish a common vision
• A well thought-out story can make the complex understandable
• A story can give meaning and context to your work
• A story touches the emotions; enabling your message to reach both thinking and feeling types
• They’ll remember a story

Since that course, I’ve always kept a file of stories that I want to remember. Here are a couple of my favorites:

A man pulled his car in to a gas station and said to the attendant, “I’m new to town. What’s it like?” “Well,” said the attendant, “What are people like where you came from?” “Not so nice,” the man replied, “In fact, quite rude.” “I’m afraid you’ll find the same here,” said the attendant. Before long, another car pulled up and its driver asked the same question. When the attendant asked him about the people in his home town, the second driver said, “I came from a great place. The people were friendly and I hated to leave.” “Well,” said the attendant, “You’ll find the same to be true of this town.”  The first man, now irritated, asked, “So what is this town really like?” To which the attendant replied, “It’s all a matter of perception. You’ll find things to be just the way you think they are.”

When engineers came to Thomas Edison looking for work, he would give them a lightbulb and ask, “How much water will it hold?”  Engineers who used gauges to measure all the angles of the bulb and then calculate the surface area (taking 20 minutes) were shown the door.  Those who took about a minute to pour water in to the bulb and then pour that in to a measuring cup were hired.

In addition to parables like these, sharing stories of things that have happened to you has the power to heal, to help others overcome their obstacles, and to deepen relationships. The coaching exercises below can help you integrate stories in to your work or personal life.

And may you all live happily ever after,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

·       Start a story storehouse. This can be a computer file, as I have, or a file of scraps or index cards. Collect stories that you hear, that you read on the Internet, or that have happened to you in the storehouse. 

·    Once in a while, sit and think about what challenges you’ve recently faced and what you’ve learned from them and write them out.

·    Write about people you come across in your day-to-day life who are particularly memorable, or talk about them with your friends. They may make perfect illustrations of who you aspire to be, or who you want to avoid becoming. 

·    Read stories or novels. 

·    Read books like Storytelling in Organizations: Why Storytelling is Transforming 21^st Century Organizations and Management or The Anatomy of Story: 22 Steps to Becoming a Master Storyteller (If you do a search on Amazon.com for books on storytelling, these and many others will pop up). 

·    Post your favorite stories in the comments section here.

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW 

• “If history were taught in the form of stories, it would never be forgotten.” ~ Rudyard Kipling, author
• “There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before.” ~ Willa Cather 
• “The best leaders... almost without exception and at every level, are master users of stories and symbols.” ~ Tom Peters
• “I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes, American poet, post-trauma specialist and Jungian psychoanalyst
• "God made man because he loves stories." ~ Yiddish proverb

Fake It ’Till You Make It

In a recent argument with my husband, in defense of my own nastiness, I found myself saying something to the effect of, “I’m not going to fake love when I’m not feeling it.” All of a sudden it hit me - That was the root of the problem. When I wasn’t feeling love, what I really had to do was fake it; to act loving, instead of retreating to an angry, sullen place. Hadn’t I challenged clients for years to “act as if”(act as if you are a Leader, act as if you know what you are doing, act as if you are that mother you want to emulate)? If it was a good idea for them, wasn’t it also a good idea for me?

I think my main obstacle to acting loving when I felt angry was my belief that doing so would go against my authentic nature. I pride myself in being “real.” I like to think that people know what they are getting when it comes to me. So, how could I act in a way that was fake and still be my authentic self? It occurred to me that there is another way that I define myself; as a loving person. I realized that if I acted in a way that wasn’t authentic, but did so in order to be more of myself in another way, I wasn’t really acting against my very nature. And I knew that acting a certain way for a discrete period of time because of the circumstances in that moment didn’t really change who I am at my core (which is why I was able to think of myself as a loving person even when I was being angry and bitchy). And, of course in the bigger picture, I do have a great husband whom I do love (and who even is okay with my writing about our personal life and posting it on this blog!).

So, I had my rationale for faking it. Now I needed to try it out. The opportunity soon arose. During our recent vacation, I blew up about some situation regarding our luggage and stormed out of the hotel room. Rather than stewing in my negative feelings and being unapproachable until I felt better, I decided to act in a loving way. And when I did? I got a loving response. And when that happened, I felt good and I forgot about the luggage issue and I had a really great time for the rest of our vacation.

Another thing I’d shared over the years not only with clients, but also with my kids, is that you can’t control what happens to you – only your reactions to it. I’m going to be trying to react with love – even if I have to fake it.

All the best,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE

What can you fake until you make it? Can you fake that you like your boss, your teammate, or your job? Can you fake that you are organized or in control? Can you pretend to be a master marketer, an extrovert, or a fantastic friend?

Pick something and, as you try acting “as if,” think about these questions:

• What do you have to put aside to be able to fake it?
• What are you choosing to honor instead of that belief you are setting aside?
• Is there any truth to what you are “faking?”
• What happens when you try it?
• Do you want to try it again?

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make or break a company…a church…or a home.   The remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And, so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”  ~ Charles Swindoll, Christian pastor, author, educator

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” ~ Jewish tradition

The Power of Habit

Over the years, I’ve worked to eradicate certain undesirable habits of my own, as well as watching as my coaching clients tried to do the same. I’ve learned some things about habits along the way – for instance that a habit that took years to take hold can’t be quickly gotten rid of, or that one should try to interrupt habits by identifying that critical moment when you are about to launch in to the habitual behavior (e.g. instead of coming home and turning to the right towards the kitchen, see what happens when you turn left towards the closet where your sneakers are kept instead). Still, I never really felt I was comfortably versed in the science behind these practices.

A new book remedies that situation. I just finished Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business and feel like I have a much better understanding of how habits are formed in individuals, organizations and societies. While the entire book is a fascinating look at the nature of habits, with intriguing illustrations from science, history, sports, business, etc., it was the Appendix that really brought it all together in practical, easy-to-follow steps (hence its subtitle: A Reader’s Guide to Using These Ideas). The coaching exercise for this post comes from that appendix.

Habits aren’t all bad. Flossing one’s teeth, exercising, and telling the truth are all good examples of more healthy habits. And, if we didn’t have some habits in place, we’d have to make a lot of extra decisions each and every day. The fact that we do some things routinely makes life simpler and more efficient. What’s important is making sure that the habits we do have are serving us well.

All the best,

~ Sophie 

COACHING EXERCISE

I can’t really do the book justice, but I can suggest just one exercise from the Appendix of The Power of Habit here. This exercise focuses on isolating the cue to some of your more destructive habits. This is the third of four steps to replace one habit with another.

If, as research suggests, cravings, and habitual behaviors that satisfy those cravings, are cued by one of five different factors, you can isolate the cue leading to your habitual behavior by tracking your responses to these five questions each time the craving to do something hits you (e.g. flop down on the couch, smoke, say “How was school?”, pick an argument):

• Where was I when this craving hit? (location)
• What time of day was it when this craving hit? (time) 
• How was I feeling when I first noticed this craving? (emotional state)
• Who was around when this craving came upon me? (other people) 
• What had just happened when this craving hit (immediately preceding action)?

If you track answers to all five of these questions over the period of several days or weeks every time the urge to perform this habit comes over you, you will see patterns emerge. It allowed the author to see that he craved cookies at the same time of day and to create new habits during that same time period. It allowed one of my clients to see that it was being around a certain friend that triggered her overspending / shopping habit, and allowed another to see that she overate when she was aggravated following certain types of meetings at work.

I haven’t quite made this work for me yet (so far, I’m seeing that having one sweet food is what cues me to take another one, but not getting at what makes me have that very first one). If you have more success in figuring out a pattern for your cues, I’d love to hear about it!

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “A man who gives his children habits of industry provides for them better than by giving them fortune.” ~ Richard Whately, English rhetorician, logician, economist, and theologian
• “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~ Aristotle
• “Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.” ~ Nathaniel Emmons, American theologian
• "Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones." ~ Benjamin Franklin

Be Awe-Inspired

Last week, for a miraculous half-hour, I had the ruins of Machu Pichu all to myself. The rest of my family was doing an early morning climb up a treacherous mountain peak (that I had opted out of at the last moment),  and the swarms of tourists who would later take over the park had not yet arrived. The fog was lifting off the valley floor, the song of the birds was the only sound other than my footsteps in the gravel. Wandering alone through these centuries-old structures was magic. To stand in the spot where thousands of years ago a civilization of people had built something so lasting in such an inaccessible - yet dramatically beautiful - setting took my breath away. How I could be standing alone in the jungles of Peru while at the same time at home in Manhattan, life existed so completely differently was awe-inspiring. 

And so I return to the topic that I so often do - Gratitude. Because isn't awe a form of gratitude? A recognition of the incredible-ness of things? An awareness that you are present to a moment of beauty, strength, or wonder? And one doesn't need to travel miles to experience it. There is awe in a chalk drawing on the sidewalk, a guitar solo on the subway platform, the facade of a beautiful building from New York's turn-of-the-century; in a baby's fingers, a sunset, or a piece of art, whether an oil painting, an exquisite taste, a series of notes in a musical phrase, or a beautifully crafted sentence.

Your coaching exercise for this post? Find something that brings you to your knees, brings tears to your eyes, makes your hand fly to your heart. Be awe-inspired.

And in the place of quotations to accompany this post, some photos of our recent trip (taken by my husband).

All the best,
~ Sophie

You're Thoughtful, Evolving and Caring

Here’s a coaching tool we can all use in our everyday life - acknowledging.

Acknowledging is a way of providing recognition to someone else – and don’t we all appreciate being recognized? Acknowledging is less about noticing what people are accomplishing (e.g. “You did really well on that science quiz,” or “You did a great job on that project”), and all about how they are accomplishing it; how they are "being" as they get all this wonderful stuff done. For example, two people may have helped you with something today, but one might have been joyful and energized while doing it, and the other might have been engaging and warm while doing it.

When we give someone an acknowledgment (which might sound like, "Nancy, you are bright, authentic and welcoming" or "Dean, you are funny and devoted"), s/he usually feels like you have taken the time to really get to know him or her. It’s a great way to recognize someone.

Your coaching exercise for this post is to try it out. Here are some tips:

• Start with the words, "You are...." This will ensure that you are focusing on who the person is, rather than on what s/he is doing.
• Say who the person is being and then stop. Let what you've said sink in. Don't dilute the power of your acknowledgment by continuing to talk and explain. Just "You are inspiring" and that's it.
• This isn't a natural way we talk to each other on a day-to-day basis, so you may want to prepare in advance. Think about someone you'd like to recognize and then think about who you know that person to be. Write down an adjective, or two, or three (more than that is too many to take in at one time).
• Avoid generic adjectives, like “great,” “terrific” or “awesome.” The more specific you can be about the person in front of you, the more impact your statement has and the more connected you become. 
• As the NIKE campaign used to say, "just do it." This might feel like an awkward type of statement to make. Try it once. See how it goes and, if you're inspired, try it again. I'd love to hear how it goes!
• If you want a baby step here, put an acknowledgment in writing instead of stating it aloud. I do this in thank you notes, on birthday cards, in e-mails to colleagues who I want to recognize, and occasionally (but not often enough) on sticky notes for my kids and husband. 

You, my readers, are thoughtful, evolving and caring (otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading about this sort of stuff!). Go out and display your caring through an acknowledgment.

Best,
~ Sophie

P.S. Did you notice some changes to the blog? Other than some new formatting, three new pages have been added (see the row directly beneath the name of the blog for the tabs):

• "About This Blog" tells you what this blog is all about,
• "Books & Websites" is a comprehensive list of all of those resources that I have featured in one of the posts to the blog (and maybe some I love that I haven't yet had a chance to highlight), and 
• "Index" is an annotated list of posts to this blog to make finding one again easier. 

Please share your feedback about the blog any time and hope you like the new features!

In Friendship...

British playwright, screenwriter, actor and author, Alan Bennett, is quoted as saying, “The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought unique and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.”

This would explain why I’m loving the book MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend by Rachel Bertsche. I don’t just feel like a hand has taken ahold of mine, I feel like I’m reading my own story: Re-locating to a new city and having a hard time creating meaningful friendships? Check. Having as my main interests books, television, and movies? Check. Being engaged in noticing what I’m experiencing and chronicling it? Check Check (hence this blog). This is a book I relate to on multiple levels.

Throughout, Bertsche explores some questions about friendships that I’m finding very valuable to do some thinking about for myself. Questions like:

• What constitutes best friendship? What kind of friends do you really want? Are they the same type of friends you needed at other stages of your life? 
• How do you make new friends? How do you deepen the relationships you have now? And how do you do those things while nurturing your marriage, doing your job, and fulfilling your other obligations? 
• Who do you want to be as a friend? Who are you being? 
• Psychologists Debra Oswald and Eddie Clark identify four necessary behaviors to make a friendship stick: Self-disclosure, supportiveness, interactivity, and positivity. How are you measuring up in these areas? 
• How does social media change the nature of friendships? 
• What is the difference between loneliness and being alone? 

The book reads like a good romantic comedy that’s sprinkled with insights from social psychology and intriguing observations on the authors’ part.

Can you tell I’m enjoying this book (My Kindle says I’m only 44% of the way through)? Even if you’re not (somewhat) recently relocated as I am, I think you’ll really enjoy ruminating on friendships and come away from reading MWF Seeking BFF feeling very thankful for those you have.

In friendship,
~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

• Respond to some of the questions posed above: Talk about them with others, journal about them, or post some thoughts in the comments section below. 
• Put yourself out there: You don’t have to go quite as far as the author did (she challenged herself to go on 52 friend dates – one per week – for a full year), but I’d guess that all of us could push ourselves in some way to be more of a friend to others: 

- Since starting the book, I’ve sent out five invitations to people I want to become friends with and three invitations to friends I haven’t seen in awhile. Just sending out the invitations felt great – and the fact that I have now plans with all but one of these people feels even greater. 

- In my life, I have twice approached someone with a statement to the effect of, “We haven’t really spoken much, but the few times we have spoken, I’ve really enjoyed our conversations. Would you like to have lunch?” It felt risky until I thought about how good I would feel if someone came to me with a similar invitation. Are there any potential friends you want to take a risk on? What have you got to lose? 

- Jeff and I had a New Year’s resolution to host a dinner party a month. We haven’t really stuck closely to it, but we’ve had some really lovely evenings here and seen a few friendships grow out of it. Would you enjoy hosting a few friends in this intimate, unrushed setting? 

• Pull out a paper and pencil and start listing your friends in each of these four categories, identified by journalist Valerie Frankel and quoted in MFW Seeking BFF. It might feel strange to classify your friends in this way, but it can be very eye-opening. If you feel you have few friends, you might be surprised to find out how many you actually do have. If you feel like you have no room in your life for more friends, you may make the opposite discovery (Bertsche shares anthropologist Robin Dunbar’s belief that human brains can keep up a social network of 150 (across all four of these categories)):

1. The acquaintance, someone you’d chat with on the street or at a local café who gives you a sense of belonging 
2. The casual friend, a grab lunch pal who often serves a specific purpose, such as a tennis or running partner 
3. The close buddy, an intimate, trustworthy companion you can say anything to 
4. The lifer, who’s as deep and forever as family. 

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
• “A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.” ~ Leo Buscaglia
• “A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.” ~ Arnold H. Glasow
• “But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
• “Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” ~ Aristotle