The Power of "Yet"

Occasionally, I devote a post to making simple changes in our choice of words. Today’s word is “yet.”

Adding “yet” to a sentence adds hope – moving from “I can’t use that software” to “I can’t use that software yet.” Leaving opening the possibility of mastering it.

Using “yet” aligns with having a growth mindset, a mindset based on neuroscience and on research about the elasticity of the brain, which says that you can get better at anything you put energy into or get the right instruction on.

“Yet” is an optimistic word and optimism is important because, as a Mayo Clinic 30-year study found, “Optimistic people live about 19% longer than pessimists.” Pessimism promotes depression and helplessness. While it’s difficult to just decide to think or feel optimistically, Dr J. Mitchell Perry, author of The Road to Optimism… suggests that we change how we say things first and that a change in mindset can follow.  

In these challenging times, we can all use some hope and optimism. After all, we don’t have a vaccine for COVID yet and we aren’t yet sure when social distancing will end. Maybe adding this one little word into our vocabularies can help until then. 

Showing Compassion

Here’s an excerpt from a longer post I just added to LinkedIn on showing compassion:

Compassion is both an emotional response to suffering, and a call to action to reduce that suffering. In these times especially, showing compassion is enormously important.

The literature on compassion consistently points to these strategies:

• Avoiding judgment – When our default is to place blame, to be competitive, or to react automatically, it is hard to show compassion for others. To avoid judging, change the questions you ask yourself from “What’s wrong with them?” to “What are they thinking, feeling and wanting?” “What can we learn from this situation?” or “What’s the best thing to do now?”
• Recognizing common bonds – Now, more than ever, we need to focus on what we have in common with others – not what divides us. Start with the fact that we’re all trying to do our best, that we all want to be happy, and that we’ve all experienced loss.
• Practicing self-compassion - You can’t effectively show compassion for others if you are beating yourself up. Be kind and generous to yourself. I’ll let the Buddha have the bottom line on this one. Buddha said, “If your compassion doesn’t include yourself, it is incomplete.” Who’s going to argue with the Buddha?

The full blog post is here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/compassion-turbulent-times-sophie-oberstein

Beyond Congratulations

Do you respond this way when someone shares good news with you?

• “That’s nice. Should we get the check? We’ll be late to the movie.”
• “That’s great! And did I tell you my news?”
• “Wow. That promotion is big! I hope it’s not too stressful with all that you have going on.”

Responses to positive news can be active or passive, constructive or destructive. A passive, constructive response is understated. It might sound like the first bullet, or be just a simple “Congratulations.” A passive, destructive response hijacks the conversation, like in the second bullet. An active, destructive response is basically quashing the accomplishment with a dire message, like the one related to the promotion above (or greeting the news of a new baby with, “Say goodbye to sleep!”).

You want responses to other people’s good news to be active and constructive, like this: “I'm excited for you. I can't wait to hear more about it.” The first part is the constructive part, “That’s great” or “Congrats!” The second part is the active part, “Tell me more.”

The next time someone shares good news, notice your response. Then see if you can offer one that is both affirming and curious.

Complaints to Desires

I heard a couples therapist on NPR talking about how, for certain couples, being quarantined together can either strengthen their bond, or destroy it. One of the things she talked about in this segment is the concept that behind every complaint is a desire. For example, should you complain aloud, or think to yourself, “My partner is self-centered,” what might really be happening is that you want some attention, or that you want them to ask you about yourself. Thinking about – and phrasing – your complaints as requests might head off arguments. Thinking about requests keeps your mindset positive and solution-oriented. Rather than focusing on what’s wrong, this mindset empowers you to think about an ideal state and to ask for what you need to get there. And, if, when someone complains to – or about - you, you can respond by asking what it is that they need or want, it can prevent you from getting defensive. It won’t always be easy to view complaints through this lens, and it’s worth a try.

From Guilt to Empathy

My 200-word blog posts are back for 2020!

Many people, myself included, are experiencing rampant emotions surrounding the world’s COVID-19 crisis, quarantining, and the uncertainty of when things might get back to “normal.” One of the emotions some of us are struggling with is guilt. I feel guilty because I am not a health care worker, postal worker, or grocery store employee on the front lines. I have a job I enjoy that I can do from my lovely home. My family and friends are healthy and safe. I do feel guilt for these privileges. On Friday, I heard psychologist Sunitha Chandy suggest a shift in thinking that I find comforting. She suggested that guilt is associated with having done something wrong. Guilt turns us inward and, instead of appreciating what we have, it causes us to shut down. Instead, she suggested, consider shifting guilt to empathy. Replace your messages of guilt with empathic ones like, “I am hurting that other people are going through this. I yearn for others to be supported.” And then follow that up with the outward-focused, “What is in my capacity to do to care?” I’m so thankful to Sunitha for this perspective. I hope it might help those of you feeling as I do.

Free Self Care calls

I attended a self care call this morning that was so lovely, it inspired me to offer something similar to a wider audience. If you would like to participate, I will host this free call for the next four Fridays from 10:00-10:30am EST (April 24th-May 15th). It is just a place to acknowledge how you are feeling in these uncertain times and to be good to yourself. Send me a private message if you would like me to send you a Zoom invitation.

Wisdom from Alan Alda

My 200-word blog posts are back for 2020!

A few weeks ago, I read a feature article on Alan Alda in The Washington Post that was inspirational. Here are two of Alda’s comments that got me thinking:

“I have this radical idea that I’m not really listening unless I’m willing to be changed by you.” I’ve been teaching people active listening skills for years, and this quote made me wonder when the last time I truly listened was. Yes, I can reflect back the essence of what you’ve said so that you feel seen and heard; but have I listened so that you can influence me, so that I can grow from your wisdom, so that your words change the world? I’ll have Alda to thank if I’m able to do that level of listening. 

On the existentialists he’d studied in college: “They said the meaning of life is the meaning you give to it.” How freeing! Rather than searching for meaning, you need only realize what is meaningful to you. And what an empty existence if you don’t do something meaningful – in my case, helping where I can. Without that helping then, there would be no life.

So much to unpack in these tidbits. What’s their impact on you?