Skewing Negative

Why when you get feedback do you focus on comments that are “negative,” even when they are surrounded by praise? Why, if you have ten interactions in a day with your loved one – five of which are positive, four neutral, and one negative, is it the negative one you think about most? And why all this energy around negative feedback when you generally think of yourself as a positive person?

It’s evolutionary. Because of our “survival instinct,” we’re wired to focus on the negative. Why? It was more important for our ancestors to remember where the bear (negative influence) was rather than where the honey (the good stuff) was stored. If you fail to get the good stuff today, it’ll still be there tomorrow. But if you fail to avoid the bad stuff today, you may not be here tomorrow.

I find this reassuring. If I’m focused on a negative message, I can know that it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a negative person – just part of human evolution. And I can try to reprogram my brain to concentrate on the positive because I don’t live in times in which I need to rely on my survival instinct. What can you do with this evolutionary explanation?

Happy summer,
~ Sophie

Wanting Less

I’m noticing that when I get a little of something, I just want more. I bought a few new outfits to update my wardrobe and then I started thinking about all the other fashionable items I needed to complete my closet makeover. While spending a little time with my family, I wasted a lot of time thinking about how I could get more time with them, or when we could meet up like this again.

I think you see the problem here. Besides the fact that sometimes more is just not possible – too expensive, too little time – the desire for more takes away from what you have, or what’s present. Instead of admiring my new clothes and feeling grateful for them, I was coveting more. Instead of feeling that what I have is abundant and valuable, I was focusing on a lack. Instead of enjoying my time with family, I was letting that time slip away focusing on something else in the future.

So, I’m going to spend some time thinking about wanting less because I have a hunch that, in the process, I’ll gain so much more. Anything you could want a little less?

• "No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave."  ~ Calvin Coolidge

• “Lives based on having are less free than lives based either on doing or being.” ~ William James

What's your "why?"

“He who has a why can endure any how.” ~ Nietzsche

In customer service classes I facilitate at NYU, I ask participants why we bother to deliver excellent service. Students provide a variety of responses from, “Our customers pay tuition, which funds our salaries” to “to be of help to others.” I then ask them to pick from the list the reason that really means something to them; their own “why.” Because, I tell them, there will be days when delivering excellent service is difficult. On those days, they’ll need to “remember their why.” That concept has far greater application. What’s your why, for example, for having the job you have, for being a good parent, or for eating well?

In addition to remembering your why, you may, at times, need to reconnect with it. It’s one thing, for instance, to say “I work at NYU because of tuition reimbursement.” But, if you’ve never taken a course, or it’s been years since you have, you may need to sign up for one in order to feel connected to that why. If you exercise so that you can live longer to be with your family, are you making that family time now? Which of your “why’s” do you need to re-connect to?

All the best,

~ Sophie

My Advice on Advice

Some boilerplate advice I love. “Outdo each other with kindness every day” is some of the best marital advice I’ve heard; while “Don’t go to bed mad” doesn’t do it for me. Because sometimes I go to bed mad and I wake up to a beautiful new day with a clear head and I think, “What was I so upset about? So glad I didn’t bring that up last night.”

“Nap when the baby naps” is another one. What if I’m not tired? What if I want to use the opportunity when the baby is napping to spend some rare alone time doing something I want to do? The pressure I used to feel to nap when my kids were napping made what could have been the treasured, calm part of my day one of the more stressful.

People who give advice mean well; they want the best for you. The problem is what’s best for one person isn’t necessarily the same for another. In my coaching certification program we were instructed not to give advice for this very reason. What advice is stressing you out? Can you disregard it? Who's consistently given you good advice?

My opinion? Be discerning.

Difficult Conversations, Part 2

After preparing to have a difficult conversation (see prior post), then you can determine whether or not to raise the issue at all using a set of questions starting with what you hope to accomplish and whether a conversation is the best way to accomplish it. You’ll also consider whether the issue is actually your identity issue and/or whether you can help the situation just by changing your contribution. Finally, if you don’t raise the issue, what can you do to help yourself let it go?

In a difficult conversation, your opening is critical. Most of us start with our own story - what we think, feel or need, e.g. “I feel disrespected by you. Can we talk about this?” The authors of the model suggest starting from a “third story” – the story a neutral observer would tell; a story that contains viewpoints that both parties would agree with, like “You and I have different preferences on when and how we should wash the dishes. I wonder if that’s something we can talk about? I need you to help me understand where you’re coming from on this.”

There are two more steps in the model, but I found the most value in the steps leading up to an actual conversation and the opening. Let me know what happens if you give that a try.

Difficult Conversations, Part 1

I’ve been using a model I really love in a workshop for supervisors. It comes from the 1999 book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Obviously, that topic is more widely applicable than just for supervisors. In fact, I used Step 1 – Prepare – in advance of a tough discussion I was about to have with my husband. Here’s what the model asked me to think about:

• Multiple stories - How would each person in the conversation answer the question, what happened?
• Contribution - What has each person contributed to this situation? In just about every situation, both parties have contributed in some way, even if the split is 5% / 95%. The authors use the extreme example of an extramarital affair to illustrate this.
• Feelings – What feelings might each of you be bringing to this discussion?
• Identity - Difficult conversations can threaten our perception of ourselves. Anxiety comes not only from having to face the other person, but also from having to face ourselves. The conversation has the potential to disrupt our sense of who we are, or to highlight what we hope we are, but fear we are not. So, for example, would my concern about someone’s apparent lack of  respect be about her behavior, or might it be about my lack of tolerance for others’ opinions?

Lots of great stuff to consider before you sit down to talk.

All the best,

~ Sophie

P.S. Paring this quite nuanced and sophisticated tool into such a very simplistic overview took 32 words more than I promised you per post. Sorry! I’ll tell you about steps 2 & 3 (out of 5) next time.

The World Will Go On

Please know that I'm not saying what I'm about to say to insult you. Rather I offer this message in order to release you; to allow you to step away from your work, your familial obligations, etc. with a sense of freedom. So here goes: You're not that essential. 

 

The world will go on in your absence - or if you don't respond to an email in the next 24 hours. And, as it goes on, the people around you will gain some valuable experience. If you step out of your family situation for a break, new relationships will develop or deepen. Your children will do things you usually do for them and assert their independence.  When you step away from work, even if you're the only person who can do whatever it is you do, someone else will get the opportunity to learn it. People will step up to the plate and their doing so will be a valuable opportunity for them. People are more adaptable than we give them credit for; and we return to them restored and better able to support them. Basically, we're just not as essential as we sometimes think we are.

So what can you do with the gift of knowing that you're not needed? Whatever it is, enjoy it!

All the best!

~ Sophie