Fake It ’Till You Make It

In a recent argument with my husband, in defense of my own nastiness, I found myself saying something to the effect of, “I’m not going to fake love when I’m not feeling it.” All of a sudden it hit me - That was the root of the problem. When I wasn’t feeling love, what I really had to do was fake it; to act loving, instead of retreating to an angry, sullen place. Hadn’t I challenged clients for years to “act as if”(act as if you are a Leader, act as if you know what you are doing, act as if you are that mother you want to emulate)? If it was a good idea for them, wasn’t it also a good idea for me?

I think my main obstacle to acting loving when I felt angry was my belief that doing so would go against my authentic nature. I pride myself in being “real.” I like to think that people know what they are getting when it comes to me. So, how could I act in a way that was fake and still be my authentic self? It occurred to me that there is another way that I define myself; as a loving person. I realized that if I acted in a way that wasn’t authentic, but did so in order to be more of myself in another way, I wasn’t really acting against my very nature. And I knew that acting a certain way for a discrete period of time because of the circumstances in that moment didn’t really change who I am at my core (which is why I was able to think of myself as a loving person even when I was being angry and bitchy). And, of course in the bigger picture, I do have a great husband whom I do love (and who even is okay with my writing about our personal life and posting it on this blog!).

So, I had my rationale for faking it. Now I needed to try it out. The opportunity soon arose. During our recent vacation, I blew up about some situation regarding our luggage and stormed out of the hotel room. Rather than stewing in my negative feelings and being unapproachable until I felt better, I decided to act in a loving way. And when I did? I got a loving response. And when that happened, I felt good and I forgot about the luggage issue and I had a really great time for the rest of our vacation.

Another thing I’d shared over the years not only with clients, but also with my kids, is that you can’t control what happens to you – only your reactions to it. I’m going to be trying to react with love – even if I have to fake it.

All the best,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE

What can you fake until you make it? Can you fake that you like your boss, your teammate, or your job? Can you fake that you are organized or in control? Can you pretend to be a master marketer, an extrovert, or a fantastic friend?

Pick something and, as you try acting “as if,” think about these questions:

• What do you have to put aside to be able to fake it?
• What are you choosing to honor instead of that belief you are setting aside?
• Is there any truth to what you are “faking?”
• What happens when you try it?
• Do you want to try it again?

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make or break a company…a church…or a home.   The remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And, so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”  ~ Charles Swindoll, Christian pastor, author, educator

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” ~ Jewish tradition

The Power of Habit

Over the years, I’ve worked to eradicate certain undesirable habits of my own, as well as watching as my coaching clients tried to do the same. I’ve learned some things about habits along the way – for instance that a habit that took years to take hold can’t be quickly gotten rid of, or that one should try to interrupt habits by identifying that critical moment when you are about to launch in to the habitual behavior (e.g. instead of coming home and turning to the right towards the kitchen, see what happens when you turn left towards the closet where your sneakers are kept instead). Still, I never really felt I was comfortably versed in the science behind these practices.

A new book remedies that situation. I just finished Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business and feel like I have a much better understanding of how habits are formed in individuals, organizations and societies. While the entire book is a fascinating look at the nature of habits, with intriguing illustrations from science, history, sports, business, etc., it was the Appendix that really brought it all together in practical, easy-to-follow steps (hence its subtitle: A Reader’s Guide to Using These Ideas). The coaching exercise for this post comes from that appendix.

Habits aren’t all bad. Flossing one’s teeth, exercising, and telling the truth are all good examples of more healthy habits. And, if we didn’t have some habits in place, we’d have to make a lot of extra decisions each and every day. The fact that we do some things routinely makes life simpler and more efficient. What’s important is making sure that the habits we do have are serving us well.

All the best,

~ Sophie 

COACHING EXERCISE

I can’t really do the book justice, but I can suggest just one exercise from the Appendix of The Power of Habit here. This exercise focuses on isolating the cue to some of your more destructive habits. This is the third of four steps to replace one habit with another.

If, as research suggests, cravings, and habitual behaviors that satisfy those cravings, are cued by one of five different factors, you can isolate the cue leading to your habitual behavior by tracking your responses to these five questions each time the craving to do something hits you (e.g. flop down on the couch, smoke, say “How was school?”, pick an argument):

• Where was I when this craving hit? (location)
• What time of day was it when this craving hit? (time) 
• How was I feeling when I first noticed this craving? (emotional state)
• Who was around when this craving came upon me? (other people) 
• What had just happened when this craving hit (immediately preceding action)?

If you track answers to all five of these questions over the period of several days or weeks every time the urge to perform this habit comes over you, you will see patterns emerge. It allowed the author to see that he craved cookies at the same time of day and to create new habits during that same time period. It allowed one of my clients to see that it was being around a certain friend that triggered her overspending / shopping habit, and allowed another to see that she overate when she was aggravated following certain types of meetings at work.

I haven’t quite made this work for me yet (so far, I’m seeing that having one sweet food is what cues me to take another one, but not getting at what makes me have that very first one). If you have more success in figuring out a pattern for your cues, I’d love to hear about it!

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “A man who gives his children habits of industry provides for them better than by giving them fortune.” ~ Richard Whately, English rhetorician, logician, economist, and theologian
• “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~ Aristotle
• “Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.” ~ Nathaniel Emmons, American theologian
• "Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones." ~ Benjamin Franklin

Be Awe-Inspired

Last week, for a miraculous half-hour, I had the ruins of Machu Pichu all to myself. The rest of my family was doing an early morning climb up a treacherous mountain peak (that I had opted out of at the last moment),  and the swarms of tourists who would later take over the park had not yet arrived. The fog was lifting off the valley floor, the song of the birds was the only sound other than my footsteps in the gravel. Wandering alone through these centuries-old structures was magic. To stand in the spot where thousands of years ago a civilization of people had built something so lasting in such an inaccessible - yet dramatically beautiful - setting took my breath away. How I could be standing alone in the jungles of Peru while at the same time at home in Manhattan, life existed so completely differently was awe-inspiring. 

And so I return to the topic that I so often do - Gratitude. Because isn't awe a form of gratitude? A recognition of the incredible-ness of things? An awareness that you are present to a moment of beauty, strength, or wonder? And one doesn't need to travel miles to experience it. There is awe in a chalk drawing on the sidewalk, a guitar solo on the subway platform, the facade of a beautiful building from New York's turn-of-the-century; in a baby's fingers, a sunset, or a piece of art, whether an oil painting, an exquisite taste, a series of notes in a musical phrase, or a beautifully crafted sentence.

Your coaching exercise for this post? Find something that brings you to your knees, brings tears to your eyes, makes your hand fly to your heart. Be awe-inspired.

And in the place of quotations to accompany this post, some photos of our recent trip (taken by my husband).

All the best,
~ Sophie

You're Thoughtful, Evolving and Caring

Here’s a coaching tool we can all use in our everyday life - acknowledging.

Acknowledging is a way of providing recognition to someone else – and don’t we all appreciate being recognized? Acknowledging is less about noticing what people are accomplishing (e.g. “You did really well on that science quiz,” or “You did a great job on that project”), and all about how they are accomplishing it; how they are "being" as they get all this wonderful stuff done. For example, two people may have helped you with something today, but one might have been joyful and energized while doing it, and the other might have been engaging and warm while doing it.

When we give someone an acknowledgment (which might sound like, "Nancy, you are bright, authentic and welcoming" or "Dean, you are funny and devoted"), s/he usually feels like you have taken the time to really get to know him or her. It’s a great way to recognize someone.

Your coaching exercise for this post is to try it out. Here are some tips:

• Start with the words, "You are...." This will ensure that you are focusing on who the person is, rather than on what s/he is doing.
• Say who the person is being and then stop. Let what you've said sink in. Don't dilute the power of your acknowledgment by continuing to talk and explain. Just "You are inspiring" and that's it.
• This isn't a natural way we talk to each other on a day-to-day basis, so you may want to prepare in advance. Think about someone you'd like to recognize and then think about who you know that person to be. Write down an adjective, or two, or three (more than that is too many to take in at one time).
• Avoid generic adjectives, like “great,” “terrific” or “awesome.” The more specific you can be about the person in front of you, the more impact your statement has and the more connected you become. 
• As the NIKE campaign used to say, "just do it." This might feel like an awkward type of statement to make. Try it once. See how it goes and, if you're inspired, try it again. I'd love to hear how it goes!
• If you want a baby step here, put an acknowledgment in writing instead of stating it aloud. I do this in thank you notes, on birthday cards, in e-mails to colleagues who I want to recognize, and occasionally (but not often enough) on sticky notes for my kids and husband. 

You, my readers, are thoughtful, evolving and caring (otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading about this sort of stuff!). Go out and display your caring through an acknowledgment.

Best,
~ Sophie

P.S. Did you notice some changes to the blog? Other than some new formatting, three new pages have been added (see the row directly beneath the name of the blog for the tabs):

• "About This Blog" tells you what this blog is all about,
• "Books & Websites" is a comprehensive list of all of those resources that I have featured in one of the posts to the blog (and maybe some I love that I haven't yet had a chance to highlight), and 
• "Index" is an annotated list of posts to this blog to make finding one again easier. 

Please share your feedback about the blog any time and hope you like the new features!

In Friendship...

British playwright, screenwriter, actor and author, Alan Bennett, is quoted as saying, “The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought unique and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.”

This would explain why I’m loving the book MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend by Rachel Bertsche. I don’t just feel like a hand has taken ahold of mine, I feel like I’m reading my own story: Re-locating to a new city and having a hard time creating meaningful friendships? Check. Having as my main interests books, television, and movies? Check. Being engaged in noticing what I’m experiencing and chronicling it? Check Check (hence this blog). This is a book I relate to on multiple levels.

Throughout, Bertsche explores some questions about friendships that I’m finding very valuable to do some thinking about for myself. Questions like:

• What constitutes best friendship? What kind of friends do you really want? Are they the same type of friends you needed at other stages of your life? 
• How do you make new friends? How do you deepen the relationships you have now? And how do you do those things while nurturing your marriage, doing your job, and fulfilling your other obligations? 
• Who do you want to be as a friend? Who are you being? 
• Psychologists Debra Oswald and Eddie Clark identify four necessary behaviors to make a friendship stick: Self-disclosure, supportiveness, interactivity, and positivity. How are you measuring up in these areas? 
• How does social media change the nature of friendships? 
• What is the difference between loneliness and being alone? 

The book reads like a good romantic comedy that’s sprinkled with insights from social psychology and intriguing observations on the authors’ part.

Can you tell I’m enjoying this book (My Kindle says I’m only 44% of the way through)? Even if you’re not (somewhat) recently relocated as I am, I think you’ll really enjoy ruminating on friendships and come away from reading MWF Seeking BFF feeling very thankful for those you have.

In friendship,
~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

• Respond to some of the questions posed above: Talk about them with others, journal about them, or post some thoughts in the comments section below. 
• Put yourself out there: You don’t have to go quite as far as the author did (she challenged herself to go on 52 friend dates – one per week – for a full year), but I’d guess that all of us could push ourselves in some way to be more of a friend to others: 

- Since starting the book, I’ve sent out five invitations to people I want to become friends with and three invitations to friends I haven’t seen in awhile. Just sending out the invitations felt great – and the fact that I have now plans with all but one of these people feels even greater. 

- In my life, I have twice approached someone with a statement to the effect of, “We haven’t really spoken much, but the few times we have spoken, I’ve really enjoyed our conversations. Would you like to have lunch?” It felt risky until I thought about how good I would feel if someone came to me with a similar invitation. Are there any potential friends you want to take a risk on? What have you got to lose? 

- Jeff and I had a New Year’s resolution to host a dinner party a month. We haven’t really stuck closely to it, but we’ve had some really lovely evenings here and seen a few friendships grow out of it. Would you enjoy hosting a few friends in this intimate, unrushed setting? 

• Pull out a paper and pencil and start listing your friends in each of these four categories, identified by journalist Valerie Frankel and quoted in MFW Seeking BFF. It might feel strange to classify your friends in this way, but it can be very eye-opening. If you feel you have few friends, you might be surprised to find out how many you actually do have. If you feel like you have no room in your life for more friends, you may make the opposite discovery (Bertsche shares anthropologist Robin Dunbar’s belief that human brains can keep up a social network of 150 (across all four of these categories)):

1. The acquaintance, someone you’d chat with on the street or at a local café who gives you a sense of belonging 
2. The casual friend, a grab lunch pal who often serves a specific purpose, such as a tennis or running partner 
3. The close buddy, an intimate, trustworthy companion you can say anything to 
4. The lifer, who’s as deep and forever as family. 

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
• “A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.” ~ Leo Buscaglia
• “A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.” ~ Arnold H. Glasow
• “But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
• “Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” ~ Aristotle

To Love What is Mortal...

I have long avoided writing a blog about death, even though, to me, death is a beautiful, universal part of life; and not one that I fear.

I have been privileged in my lifetime to watch people approach death in a dignified, courageous manner, like my grandmother, Phyllis Roskin, who died in a hospice being treated only for her pain and not for the cancer that was taking her from us. I’ve been touched by those moments in hospitals, hospices, and temples when loved ones have come together to celebrate rich and happy lives that have ended, and to become closer in those meaningful moments. I have been honored to be invited to sit with a family struck by the terrible tragedy of the loss of a daughter the same age as my own and to experience their incredible resilience. And I have found I am most connected with my religious faith when I have seen how it responds in the face of death.

Yet, I’ve always thought, how do I write about death without upsetting people who don’t see it the same way that I do, or who view it as something morbid that shouldn’t be discussed? How do I write about death without offending someone whose views on the subject are different than mine?  And who am I to write about this topic, with my limited experience on the subject?

Today I want to set aside those gremlins that have kept me from writing about a topic that has always been very important to me and to share with you some of my thoughts about death and some coaching exercises around how you can come to articulate your own.  I also want to “publicly” re-commit to volunteering to work with people in a hospice setting who are close to the end of their lives, or with their families, an idea that I’ve carried with me for over a decade since my grandmother’s death.

Playwright Thornton Wilder wrote, “There is a land of the living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.”  It is with love that I offer this post about the end of life.

Thank you for receiving it,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

• Which are the moments that have informed your thoughts about death? What are the readings or teachings that illustrate how you feel about what happens to us after we leave this life? Perhaps you can write a journal entry, or create a mind map, about those things that have informed your thinking about death.
• Consider whether it would help you – or help someone else – for you to talk to one another about death and dying.  I’m told that it is a gift to be able to talk to those who are dying about how they feel about where they are going, and, in some cases, to give them “permission” to let go of this life. I’m told there is some comfort in knowing how they felt about their dying after they are gone. Even though it really doesn’t matter because after I die people will do whatever they need to do to feel better, it is reassuring to me to know that there are others who know how I feel about my own death, whenever it comes.
• For the most part, I want to live my life having said what I needed to say to people. However, there are some things I want to say to my children that they aren’t ready to hear yet, or that aren’t appropriate or relevant to them now. Even though I have no plans to die soon, I have written them letters to open in the event of an emergency and when they reach a certain age. Even though it won’t matter any more to me then, I feel better now, here on the earth, knowing that I have left a few letters behind for my children. The part about who they might marry can wait; the part about how much I love them, I hope they hear from me every day.  Is there any one in your life for whom you would like to write a letter that they can read at a later time, whether you’re here to hand it to them at that time or not?
• Finally, I find it comfortable to gather things I want to be able to say to someone who has had a recent death in their family, or who are on their way out of this life. I’ve been told by a few people that if you are vacillating about whether or not to reach out to someone in either of these situations, that when you do go ahead and reach out, it is very much appreciated. I keep a supply of blank sympathy cards in my basket here at home so that I can do that. Here are some things that I feel inspired by currently:

A character in a novel I read last year said to another grieving character, “May you have a strong heart and the love of family in these sad times.” I have had more opportunities than I would like to have used that phrase since reading it.

Jeff’s Uncle said good bye to his grandson’s father this week with, “a safe and wondrous journey to wherever we all go," which I think is really lovely.

A rabbi I was talking to about what he says to the many families he helps through these moments said that he’d learned that mostly, what people appreciate is the opportunity to talk about the person they’ve lost.  So I ask, “What was she like?” or, when I knew her, I share a story about her.

The way that I think about death is soothing to me. I hope that some of these thoughts will comfort you as well…

When we are dead, and people weep for us and grieve, let it be because we touched their lives with beauty and simplicity. Let it not be said that life was good to us, but rather, that we were good to life.

~ Rabbi Jacob P. Rudin

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things:

To love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

And, when the time comes to let

it go,

to let it go.

~ Poet Mary Oliver

Transparency

“Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.” 

~ Robert Bresson, French film director

Lately, I’ve been coaching other coaches. One coach I was working with recently had this spectacular coaching moment when she basically said to her client, “I’m stuck here. I don’t see how you can get past these obstacles. What are you thinking when I say that?”

Why was this such a great moment for me? Because it was a moment of complete transparency. When the coach said, “I’m stumped,” she was lifting the curtain on the inner workings of her brain and letting her client see inside. This helps create a deeper, authentic relationship with the client. It made the coach vulnerable and human. And, it invited the client to be a partner in figuring out where the conversation needed to go next; to find her own answers to a challenging situation. And this is how it should be.  

As I’ve been thinking about transparency in coaching, I’ve started to wonder couldn’t being transparent in real life have equivalent benefits? What would have happened, for instance, if during an incident between my daughter and husband earlier this week, instead of sitting silently by, I’d said something like, “You guys are talking about mundane things, but the tension in this room is so thick you could cut it with a knife. What do you guys want to do about that?” What if I’d said at a particularly contentious board meeting recently, “You two seem passionate about your opposing views and the rest of us are a loss as to what to do.”

How is someone to know if you’re not happy with how a conversation is going, with how a situation is playing out, if you’re not telling them?  Being transparent requires being really in tune with what is happening – being completely present - and that’s something I’m constantly striving to be. So, now I’m also going to strive to be more transparent. And that’s my coaching exercise for you, too.

Please note: I am not advocating blurting out anything and everything that’s on your mind. I’m not suggesting you set yourself up to be like Jim Carrey in that movie about a man who couldn’t tell a lie, or that you operate like Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm, saying whatever you want with no filter. I’m talking about being okay with saying what’s present and what’s happening for you in the service of helping the situation and helping the relationship. That may have been obvious to you, but I felt it was worth mentioning as it’s a critical caveat in this whole topic of transparency.

Here are some other great examples of transparency I’ve been hearing from new Coaches recently that might help inspire you in your conversations:

• "Let me go back, if you don't mind. That question didn’t take you anywhere productive."
• "I'm stuck here. I want to ask you about (XYZ), but I don't know how to put the question together."
• "Let me back up a second... I don’t think I understood this situation right the first time and now we’re talking about two different things."
• "I don't know how to word this or phrase this..."
• “Did I just ask you four questions at once? You can just answer the one you liked best…”
• "I’m not sure why I’m here. It seems like you've already got this situation under control. Is there anything you need me for? "
• "I'm trying to think of a way to help you break this down and see that it really isn't as big a commitment as you are making it out to be. I'm not finding an elegant way to do that, so let me just say flat out – I don’t think this is really as big of a commitment as you seem to. What do you think of that?"

I love the Robert Bresson quote at the start of this post, and it’s in that spirit I offer this coaching challenge. As always, let me know what happens for you if you try it.


All the best,
~ Sophie