Beyond Congratulations

Do you respond this way when someone shares good news with you?

• “That’s nice. Should we get the check? We’ll be late to the movie.”
• “That’s great! And did I tell you my news?”
• “Wow. That promotion is big! I hope it’s not too stressful with all that you have going on.”

Responses to positive news can be active or passive, constructive or destructive. A passive, constructive response is understated. It might sound like the first bullet, or be just a simple “Congratulations.” A passive, destructive response hijacks the conversation, like in the second bullet. An active, destructive response is basically quashing the accomplishment with a dire message, like the one related to the promotion above (or greeting the news of a new baby with, “Say goodbye to sleep!”).

You want responses to other people’s good news to be active and constructive, like this: “I'm excited for you. I can't wait to hear more about it.” The first part is the constructive part, “That’s great” or “Congrats!” The second part is the active part, “Tell me more.”

The next time someone shares good news, notice your response. Then see if you can offer one that is both affirming and curious.

Complaints to Desires

I heard a couples therapist on NPR talking about how, for certain couples, being quarantined together can either strengthen their bond, or destroy it. One of the things she talked about in this segment is the concept that behind every complaint is a desire. For example, should you complain aloud, or think to yourself, “My partner is self-centered,” what might really be happening is that you want some attention, or that you want them to ask you about yourself. Thinking about – and phrasing – your complaints as requests might head off arguments. Thinking about requests keeps your mindset positive and solution-oriented. Rather than focusing on what’s wrong, this mindset empowers you to think about an ideal state and to ask for what you need to get there. And, if, when someone complains to – or about - you, you can respond by asking what it is that they need or want, it can prevent you from getting defensive. It won’t always be easy to view complaints through this lens, and it’s worth a try.