Happy New Year!

Here’s another post inspired by having read The Happiness Project on my vacation last week. In looking back on her year of trying various experiments to become happier, its author, Gretchen Rubin, concludes that “the single most effective step for me had been to keep a Resolutions Chart (available at www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com).”

As resolutions are big at this time of year, I thought I’d focus on some best practices for creating and keeping resolutions and share mine with you.

Wishing each one of you a fulfilling, successful, and happy 2013!

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE:  RESOLUTIONS

Step 1 - Determine what you want to do – Be as specific as possible, e.g. “kiss my spouse good bye every morning” is more actionable than “be nicer to my spouse.” It’s also a smaller step and therefore easier to accomplish and to build upon.

Step 2 - Articulate why you want to do it (for some people, this is step 1) – Do you want to kiss your spouse good bye each morning to better your relationship, to create harmony in your home, to demonstrate the level of physical affection you desire, to role model a loving relationship for your kids, or some combination of the above? Write down these motivators. They will make it possible for you to stick to your resolution when the going gets tough – when you’re rushed or angry and don’t feel like kissing your spouse some morning.

Step 3 – Set a timeframe.  Rather than making an open-ended resolution like, “I’ll kiss my spouse each morning” or “I’ll drink eight glasses of water a day” or “I’ll use the stairs,” which imply that you hope to do these things for the rest of your life, make your resolution a short-term experiment. Something like, “I’ll drink eight glasses of water a day for the next two weeks and note how I feel while doing it. If I’m noticing positive results, maybe I’ll continue for another month…” It’s much easier to commit to something for two weeks than to commit to making a life change. Plus, this reminds you to notice how your resolution is going and what results you’re experiencing and gives you permission to drop it if you aren’t getting results that appeal to you.

Here are two real-life examples of my own...

In the service of being present and of not letting the good moments in my life be overwhelmed by the more mundane ones, I will record a one-sentence journal each night in January highlighting the fleeting moments that made life sweet on that day (another Happiness Project idea).

In the service of acting in the way I want to be with others (positive and happy, rather than grumpy and critical), I will endeavor, in the month of January to give only positive reviews. That is, when asked what I thought of something, I will only share what I liked about it, even if I have to dig to find that thing. This truly is an experiment because I hold a strong belief that honest, constructive feedback is a gift, but I’d like to know what would happen if my honest feedback were all positive. There are some warm and generous people I admire who seem to be able to do this. Will I be more like them if I stick to the positive?

Along those lines, here’s my review of The Happiness Project: This book is sprinkled with thought-provoking moments and great quotes. Who can argue with its overall premise that we can set intentions that will improve our attitudes, and our lives, and then hold ourselves accountable to them? There are certainly some solid, universal ideas in here that might inspire readers to dig deeper. And Gretchen Rubin seems like a practical, vulnerable, like-minded person whom I’d enjoy having coffee with.  

QUOTES I LIKE FROM “THE HAPPINESS PROJECT”

• “The chief happiness for a man is to be what he is.” ~ Erasmus
• “Where there is no wood, the fire goes out; and where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.” ~ Proverbs 26:20
• “There are times in the lives of most of us when we would have given all the world to be as we were but yesterday, though that yesterday had passed over us unappreciated and unenjoyed.” ~ William Edward Hartpole Lecky
• “Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than kindness.” ~ Tolstoy

Secrets of Adulthood

Once or twice a year, I like to read a pop culture book that might inform my coaching. This time it’s Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project.

I’m barely into it, but I found an exercise she mentions in her introductory chapter to be intriguing. She called it her “Secrets of Adulthood,” or, a list of the lessons she’d learned with some difficulty as she’d grown up. Some items on the list were profound; others simple and quirky. But, her list inspired me to share my own (or a portion of my own, as mine stretched to about two-and-a-half pages). It was fun to create, so I suggest it as the coaching exercise for this post. And I’d love to see your lists!  Here’s mine (though the first two items did come from the book)…

• People don’t notice your mistakes as much as you think
• Most decisions don’t require extensive research
• If it’s always put away in the same place, you’ll always find it there
• The only person you can change is yourself
• Saying “no” is liberating
• Perception is reality
• The tough conversations are the ones with the greatest potential for growth and to deepen relationships
• When there’s a lack of communication or transparency, people will start communicating the worst scenario
• There’s always another side to the story
• It does make the whole bedroom appear cleaner if you just make the bed
• Just because it already exists doesn’t mean you can’t do it better
• Rather than setting out to change your life, try a tiny experiment for a discrete period of time
• If you’re wide awake in the middle of the night, embrace it, don’t fight it
• The journey may be more enjoyable than the destination
• Horizontal is a pile; vertical is a file
• When you "act as if," your behavior just may change the way you think and feel
• People sense desperation
• You can't control your situation, only your reaction to it
• Feedback is a gift
• You’re more likely to act on a goal you state publically

Don’t know what to say about the fact that so many of my secrets have to do with housecleaning and organization. I guess it just reveals how anal I am! What does your list say about you?

Happy New Year!

~ Sophie

TWO QUOTES I LIKE FROM THE HAPPINESS PROJECT, “GETTING STARTED”

• “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner!” ~ Colette, author
• “We must exercise ourselves in the things which bring us happiness, since, if that be present, we have everything, and, if that be absent, all our actions are directed toward attaining it.” ~ Epicurus, philosopher

Taking Conversation to the Next Level

An article in this month’s Training & Development Magazine suggests that there are five levels of conversation and urges readers to consider where they spend most of their time on the conversation continuum.*

The levels of dialogue presented in the article are:

• Monologue – When one person claims the airspace for storytelling, lecturing, or expounding, drowning out other voices.
• Transaction – A back-and-forth conversation that remains on the surface, generally related to a transaction, e.g. "How are you doing on that project?" A"re you free to pick-up Owen after school tomorrow?" "Have you written that report yet?" Sounds to me like a lot of close-ended questions occur at this level of conversation.
• Interaction – A useful information exchange that still simply skims the surface. When you leave an interaction feeling like the other person still might not know what you meant or might not be feeling good about it, it’s often because it was this level of conversation. An example given in the article is when an employee is meeting with her manager for feedback on her performance. The meeting starts late and is rushed. After the manager talks about the employee’s results and asks her how she feels about them, she says she really doesn’t know but she does understand why she had the results she did. The meeting ends with the manager saying, “So, you’re okay with the feedback. Great.”
• Collaborative engagement – Where deeper insight and reflection take place because there is more trust and people are more willing to be vulnerable, e.g. “I yelled too much at my kids when they were little, too.” “Really? But you always seem so calm and together. What did you do to stop yelling so much?” “Well, I learned to warn the kids in advance when I needed their cooperation and I learned to take a time-out myself when I needed it.”
• Dialogue – When shared understanding emerges and mutual learning takes place.

 As your coaching exercise for this post (and mine, too), I suggest one or more of the following:

• Pay attention to your conversations this week. What level of conversations are you having? Maybe that’s all you do this week. Just noticing the trends in your conversation is an important exercise all on its own.
• Challenge yourself to have at least one conversation at a higher level this week.
• Notice what needed to happen for that higher-level conversation to take place. Did you have to devote more time to the conversation? Did you have to make more eye contact? Did you have to turn off your phone? Did you ask more questions?
• Notice how that higher-level conversation made you feel and the impact it had on your relationship with the other person / people involved.
• Decide what you want to do about your conversations  as a result of this challenge and what you notice while doing it.

All the best,

~ Sophie

* “A Little More Conversation” by Lois J. Zachary, T&D, October 2012.

QUOTES

• “The most fruitful and natural exercise for our minds is, in my opinion, conversation.”  ~ Michel de Montaigne, The Essays: A Selection
• “Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.” ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea
• “It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.” ~ Yogi Berra
• “Ideal conversation must be an exchange of thought, and not, as many of those who worry most about their shortcomings believe, an eloquent exhibition of wit or oratory” ~ Emily Post

Reminders from Hurricane Sandy

A few days ago, Hurricane Sandy tore through the Northeast. From the safety of my 6^th floor apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan - an area that was spared the flooding, power outages and damage others experienced - I am able to reflect on the lessons that the hurricane can teach us. I know it is a luxury to be able to sit in my safe and warm home and reflect on these lessons. To those who are dealing with the aftermath of the storm and who don’t have the luxury to ruminate, I send my very best wishes for a speedy and full recovery.

Here are the reminders I took from Sandy:

·         Show Gratitude – Those who’ve read this blog over time know that over and over again, I am thankful for my good fortune, in good times and in bad. In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, I am thankful for my intact and lovely home, and for the safety of my family who is hunkered down with me in it. I am reminded to experience and show my gratitude.

·         Be connected – Before the storm landed, millions of people across the Northeast were warned of what could be coming their way. Millions were in the path of the hurricane. What happened to some could have happened to any of us. I am reminded that we are all connected by how life starts and ends and what life puts in our way. Additionally, I appreciated the number of inquiries from friends, colleagues, and even distant acquaintances, asking how we were faring. I am reminded that I am not alone; that there are people out there who care. I am reminded to be one of them.

·         Remember your priorities – Each notification I’ve received letting me know that my office, or my childrens’ schools, are still closed ends with a statement to the effect of “your safety is of utmost importance.” I am reminded by the hurricane of what matters most. I am reminded to pay attention to the safety and health of myself and my loved ones, even when a tropical storm isn’t brewing around us.

·         Slow down – In coaching, I’m often reminding clients to slow down and to be present; to experience what is happening, rather than rushing through it. Going in to our 6^th day in the house with not as much to do and not as many places to go, I am savoring the rare opportunity to slow down, and I’m reminded of the importance of stepping out of the usual routines now and again to reflect on the sorts of things this post is highlighting.

·         Recover – Coaching is, in part, about noticing what’s gone wrong and then recovering. While communities around me clean up from the devastation of Hurricane Sandy, I am reminded of what I need to right and repair in my life and am more motivated to do it.

I hope these reminders come to you free of any damage from the recent disaster.

All the best,

~ Sophie

QUOTES

“Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help.” ~ May Sarton, author

“You are one of the forces of nature.” ~ Jules Michelet, French historian 

Re-Thinking Screw-Ups

It’s human nature to berate ourselves over poor choices we’ve made. Regret is a common feeling among my coaching clients, family, and friends alike.

Yet, we literally make hundreds of choices every day. Instead of lamenting the wrong ones we’ve made, what about celebrating - or even noticing - all of the little positive ones?

• Should I floss my teeth this morning?
• Should I eat breakfast, or grab something later?
• Should I call my aunt?
• Should I take the escalator or the stairs?
• Should I buy a banana or a bag of M&Ms?
• Should I read the novel in my bag, or buy a trashy magazine?

True, these choices aren’t as monumental as some of those bad ones that we can’t seem to forgive ourselves for. Also true that we won’t always make the better choice in these instances. But how many of these very simple positive choices are you making every day that are going unrecognized?

Years ago, I took a parent educator course where I was introduced to this quote from Diane Wagenhals of the Institute for Family Professionals. Wagenhals said, “There are literally millions of opportunities to interact in healthy ways with your children. You can screw up several thousand times and still do enough healthy stuff to produce emotionally healthy kids.”

Whether parenting, trying to adapt a healthier lifestyle, trying to live by your values, or just trying to be a better person, isn’t it refreshing to know you can screw up several thousand times and still do millions of things right? And the coaching exercise for this post is just to acknowledge them.

All the best,

~ Sophie

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“We don't get to choose what is true. We only get to choose what we do about it.” ~ Kami Garcia, author

“The hardest choices in life aren't between what's right and what's wrong but between what's right and what's best.” ~ Jamie Ford, author

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt, 26th U.S. President

“I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude.” ~ Judith Knowlton, author 

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” ~ Flora Whittemore, author

Methods & Madness

My sister, Tessa, is a chef in Manhattan. Recently she created a series of culinary events she calls Methods & Madness.  The idea behind these events is for her to team up with a professional from another field and, based on what she learns, to create a menu inspired by the work that they do. She has so far partnered with a painter/illustrator, a perfumer, and a font designer for some truly memorable dinners served at communal tables in unique settings.

What I like about these dinners – besides the fantastic food – is the creativity and curiosity that are behind it. My sister is exploiting what we can all learn by stepping out of our routines, by getting curious, and by gaining inspiration from the most unexpected places.

It reminds me of a problem-solving technique I learned many years ago. In it, you put your challenge aside momentarily and you pick a completely random topic – like things related to the beach – and you brainstorm for a few minutes about that topic. So you’d list things like sand, shovel, waves, umbrella, etc. After you’d exhausted your ideas, you’d pull your original problem back out and see if anything on the beach list could inform your solution to your current problem.  So, if my original problem was say, dealing with a difficult co-worker, I’d think about how waves or an umbrella might help me. Maybe it just reminds me that relationships with colleagues move in waves and that when they are more violent, I need to just ride them or get out of the water. Or maybe it makes me think that possibly some sort of physical barrier, like an umbrella blocking the sun - or a closed office door - would help the situation. I always liked this technique for the same reasons I like the Methods and Madness dinners – it’s another example of stepping out of your current pattern of thinking to gain inspiration.

So how can I apply what I’ve learned from watching Tessa prepare for her Methods & Madness events?  I’m thinking about talking to people in other fields to find out how processes and tools they use might inspire me. There are even people in my own organization whose jobs I don’t understand, which, if I learned more about, might inform how I do mine. Even more, Tessa really creates beauty out of everyday life by turning what someone does routinely into delicious and beautiful dishes. She’s just reminded me of the importance of reaching out and getting curious in another arena and the tasty morsels that can come from that.

Enjoy!
~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

Try some methods and madness experiments of your own. Here are some ideas. If you come up with other ones, please share.  

• Interview someone who does something different than you do: Ask to shadow them in their own setting, or take them out for coffee and really try to get a picture of the tools and methods they employ in their day-to-day work or lives.
• Try the problem-solving technique above with a challenge you are facing.
• Sign-up for a one-day course in a discipline you haven’t been exposed to – psychology, engineering, religion, gardening – and see how you can apply what you learn to those disciplines you do engage in.
• Talk to someone either very young or very old for a new perspective.  With either group, you can be quite up-front about what you are looking to change or to accomplish. Children will tell you straight-out what you should do; elderly people will usually be happy to share their experience or perspective.
• Request a job rotation or take on an internship in some tangential field to your own.

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

This quote, which is actually a poem, has nothing to do with the theme of this post, but it does relate to several posts I have written in the past, about gratitude and about seeing the positive in a situation. This was shared at a conference I attended for hospice volunteers earlier this week.

The Uses of Sorrow

(In my sleep, I dreamed this poem)

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

~ Mary Oliver 

Don't Plan On It

I’m taking a project management course this week. My head is filled with SMART objectives, work breakdown structures, project requirement documents, and schedule planning.

While detailed planning is the right way to proceed before embarking on many types of projects and activities, it isn't the only way to move forward. Sometimes we need to press on even when we don’ t know what each step in the process will look like, or what the end result will be. 

An example of when we need to move ahead without knowing necessarily where we are heading is parenting. When our children are young, we have no idea what kind of teenagers they will be, or what kind of people they will ultimately become, yet we have to continue doing the best we are capable of doing to raise them. When they’re infants, we can’t imagine how we’ll handle it when they are 17 and we find pot in their bedrooms, but by the time it happens (if it happens), we will. There’s no project plan you can write for parenting.

A friend wrote to me today:  “It feels like an important time in my life and it seems to be on the right track. I read a quote sometime in the past year that has been guiding me: "Go as far as you can see; when you get there, you'll be able to see farther."* As much as possible, I'm enjoying the journey.” My friend has recently ended a several year relationship, is looking for a new place to live and for new ways to expand his consulting practice.  He’s moving ahead without knowing how his business is ultimately going to look, where he’ll be living, or who he’ll be living with. But he knows that as he takes action, more will become clear. And I admire his approach; how he’s chosen to be while waiting for that clarity.

Here’s hoping as you move forward, your vision expands,

~ Sophie

* Quote attributed to Thomas Carlyle, Scottish historian and essayist in the Victorian era and/or to American banker, John Pierpont Morgan. Gotta love those Internet quote sites!

COACHING EXERCISE

What do you desire (or need) to move forward with, even if you don’t know where it will lead? Is it doing some writing, even if you don’t know if you’ll ever get published? Is it thinking about some sort of move, even if you don’t know yet where you want to go? Is it making a big purchase? Getting married? Getting fit? Taking on a work assignment you have no idea how you'll accomplish? 

Your assignment: Go as far as you can see, and see what more you can see when you get there.

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” ~ John Lennon  
• “To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” ~ Anatole France, French poet, journalist and novelist.  
• “Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.” ~ Robert Lewis Stevenson, author  
• “It is far better to foresee even without certainty than not to foresee at all.” ~ Henri Poincare, French mathematician, physicist, engineer and philosopher