Don't fight it

• Each semester my department offers at least one course geared towards administrative assistants. A colleague suggested we drop the idea as these inevitably turned into gripe sessions, rather than valuable workshops, which were also rated very poorly. How about instead, I suggested, we offer a “Handling Your Challenges as an Administrative Assistant” session; sort of a facilitated, structured gripe session during which we get their challenges on the table and brainstorm some solutions. The result was an effective and highly regarded program this past semester.
• I was walking down the street with a bag on my shoulder that kept slipping. For one block, I kept stopping to push it back up. For the next three, I held the bag comfortably in the crook of my elbow without slowing down.

Two very different examples of the same concept: Don’t fight it.  Where can you just go with the energy that exists, rather than creating frustration by forcing something? I know there are numerous situations where you can’t just “go with the flow,” but I’m betting there are also some where you’ll realize some terrific benefits by embracing what is, rather than fighting it. Let me know what happens when you try.

Resolutions 2.0

Whether you make resolutions for the New Year, or establish goals for yourself year-round, maybe it’s time to add another step to your process - reflection. What will determine whether a goal you set is one that sticks, or is just something you intend to do (and ultimately don’t), is the skill of noticing.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

If you've done your resolved behavior...

• What worked about this and why?
• What could have gone wrong that you managed to avoid?
• How does doing this make you feel? Is that better than you felt before you did it, worse, or the same?
• What else has become possible for you since trying out this new behavior?
• Is this the only way to get these results, or do you want to try out any other behaviors?
• Which people or situations are a particular challenge for you?
• Do you want to continue to do this? 

If you haven't done it...

• What have been the consequences of not doing this? Are these consequences you can live with?
• What was your original reason for wishing to do it?        

Best of luck with all of your 2015 resolutions and Happy New Year!

~ Sophie

Unwrapping the Gift of Feedback

Feedback is a gift. I’ll leave that as a given and spend my remaining 197 words on tips for receiving this “gift”:

• Notice the positive. It’s our survival instinct to focus on the negative (see “Skewing Negative,” July 2104), but there’s a school of thought that you’ll make a bigger, better impact by enhancing your strengths than you will focusing on your weakest areas.
• Know that you usually rate yourself by your intentions, while others rate you based on their perceptions (“The Gift of Feedback,” August 2011). 
• And… their perceptions may not be true. Think of market research: Customers may complain that your product doesn’t work the way it should, when really they just don’t know how to make it work that way. This is good information for you about the education you need to provide.
• Feedback is just data, and you get to decide what to do with that data. I’d suggest analyzing it to determine if there is a grain of truth in it (regardless of who delivered it) then designing an experiment to try out some small step for some distinct period of time. My next post (next week) will focus on what to do next...

Happy Holidays!

~ Sophie

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New Ways to Love

While I’m not loving my current book group selection, I did love this brief explanation one character gives on her way to her dying mother’s bedside.  She says, “Don’t you start worrying about me… Watching someone die gives you a new way of learning to love them. Imagine, knowing someone for five and a half decades and at the end of that finding a new way to love them. It’s an extraordinary thing.” Not only does it beautifully describe what I believe about the honor of being present as a person embarks on the final remarkable passage that marks the end of this life, but it made me start to think about new ways to love people before arriving at that juncture.  While it may happen naturally that you find new ways to love your spouse after decades of marriage; your kids at various milestones in their lives; your friends as you watch them weather various storms, it’s nice to give it some conscious thought, too. What an opportunity to rededicate yourself to someone in a different way; to appreciate others in new and deeper ways. I'm looking forward to seeing what's possible in doing this. 

What does the quote say to you? 

How are you coping with that?

Once in awhile, I come across a powerful question that I know has great value.  Yesterday I was exposed to such a question during a workshop called, “Detecting Students in Distress.” The facilitator – a psychologist – suggested that when someone tells you of a distressing situation in her life that you respond with the question, “How are you coping with that?”  Asking this, my facilitator said, puts you into listening mode and helps you better respond.  For example, someone who’s just gotten divorced might answer, “I sit at home in the dark eating ice cream every night” or “I joined a gym and I’m happily dating.” Obviously how you respond to each of these would be quite different.  I like how the question also relieves you of the burden of coming up with an appropriate response in an emotional situation.  I certainly wish I’d had that question in my repertoire when, a few weeks ago, a teenager my daughter knew took his own life. Rather than fretting over the right thing to say to her, I wish I’d just asked, “How are you coping with that?” I find many powerful questions are like this one – simple, somewhat obvious, but often overlooked.

Skewing Negative

Why when you get feedback do you focus on comments that are “negative,” even when they are surrounded by praise? Why, if you have ten interactions in a day with your loved one – five of which are positive, four neutral, and one negative, is it the negative one you think about most? And why all this energy around negative feedback when you generally think of yourself as a positive person?

It’s evolutionary. Because of our “survival instinct,” we’re wired to focus on the negative. Why? It was more important for our ancestors to remember where the bear (negative influence) was rather than where the honey (the good stuff) was stored. If you fail to get the good stuff today, it’ll still be there tomorrow. But if you fail to avoid the bad stuff today, you may not be here tomorrow.

I find this reassuring. If I’m focused on a negative message, I can know that it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a negative person – just part of human evolution. And I can try to reprogram my brain to concentrate on the positive because I don’t live in times in which I need to rely on my survival instinct. What can you do with this evolutionary explanation?

Happy summer,
~ Sophie

Wanting Less

I’m noticing that when I get a little of something, I just want more. I bought a few new outfits to update my wardrobe and then I started thinking about all the other fashionable items I needed to complete my closet makeover. While spending a little time with my family, I wasted a lot of time thinking about how I could get more time with them, or when we could meet up like this again.

I think you see the problem here. Besides the fact that sometimes more is just not possible – too expensive, too little time – the desire for more takes away from what you have, or what’s present. Instead of admiring my new clothes and feeling grateful for them, I was coveting more. Instead of feeling that what I have is abundant and valuable, I was focusing on a lack. Instead of enjoying my time with family, I was letting that time slip away focusing on something else in the future.

So, I’m going to spend some time thinking about wanting less because I have a hunch that, in the process, I’ll gain so much more. Anything you could want a little less?

• "No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave."  ~ Calvin Coolidge

• “Lives based on having are less free than lives based either on doing or being.” ~ William James