Back to School

Almost two years ago, I went to my niece and nephew’s dance recital. Watching the seven-year-old tap dancers, I thought about how fun it looked and resolved to find a tap dance class for myself. Being that I live in Manhattan, I found one two blocks from my apartment, and have been taking classes off and on since. I’m terrible, but I really enjoy the class, which I take with two other adults who I think are in their 60’s and 70’s. It’s the only exercise I do during which I never look at the clock and am always surprised when we’re kicked out by the next class of dancers – toddlers in little pink leotards – ten minutes after class was supposed to have ended.

What I think is notable about this is that I found an activity that creates what I’ve heard referred to as “flow” by trying out something that is typically associated with children, and I decided to do it even though I have no illusions that I’ll ever really get good at it. Flow is when you are so involved in an activity that you don’t notice your surroundings or the passage of time. An article I read recently on how to increase one’s happiness encouraged people to create more flow in their work and personal lives. Many of us, once we become adults, won’t embark on an activity unless we know why we are doing it – unless we have some milestone, performance, or goal in mind, e.g. “I’m going to run a half-marathon!” or “I’m going to get good enough at this to show all my friends.”   

Yesterday, my daughter’s class put on an art show. They displayed their black and white still life drawings, some stage sets they’d designed, and a Greek myth they’d updated and filmed as a rock documentary. As I left, I heard a familiar refrain from the parents, “I wish I could go back to school and do this stuff!”  

My proposal for a coaching exercise is that you do just that – go back to school and do this stuff. Think back to an activity you enjoyed in school – one that you may or may not have exceled at, but that you enjoyed while you were doing it; maybe one that so absorbed you you barely noticed the time passing. Or maybe try one that you wish you had tried back then but never did.

Don’t eliminate an activity because it’s not one that adults do. Don’t eliminate an activity because you don’t intend to use it in any way. Make a movie you never intend to screen, write a poem you’ll share only with your good friend, do a major cooking project, even if nothing edible comes of it, play guitar along with a music video, ride a scooter.

Meanwhile, I’ll be practicing my shuffles and ball-changes.

All the best,

~ Sophie

BOOKS

Not feeling very child-like? Adjust your mindset with idea-generating books like these:

It’s Okay to Play: 30 Days to a Ridiculously Wonderful Life by Tara Marcus & Evan Marcus (I’m quoted in this one on Day 30!)

How to be an Explorer of the World: Portable Life Museum, Keri Smith

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“Great is the man who has not lost his childlike heart.” ~ Mencius, Confucian thinker

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

"If my heart can become pure and simple, like that of a child, I think there probably can be no greater happiness than this." ~ Kitaro Nishida, Japanese philosopher

“The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives." ~ Albert Einstein

“Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.” ~ Yoda

An Attitude of Gratitude

In its first incarnation, I dedicated an issue of this newsletter to the topic that is most prevalent in my life - that really brings me the most joy - gratitude. I thought it an appropriate way to end 2011 to focus again on how thankful I am for all that I have been given, for all that I have worked for and achieved, and for all those around me whom I'm lucky enough to have in my life.

Long ago, Maya Angelou was talking with interviewer, David Holmstrom, about a period in her life when she was depressed. She talked about the advice she was given to lift herself from the funk she was in. She was told, "... here's a yellow pad. Write your blessings... Start with the fact that you can hear me, that you see the page, that you can hold the pen."

If we start with the blessings as basic - and significant - as Angelou was asked to think about, imagine how vast our gratitude can be. A recent article in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/22/science/a-serving-of-gratitude-brings-healthy-dividends.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=attitude+of+gratitude&st=nyt) points to the benefits of an "attitude of gratitude" and suggests what will be this post's coaching exercises related to this topic.

There isn't a more grateful poet I can think of than Walt Whitman. His passion for all that he experienced is uplifting. Here is an excerpt from his "Song at Sunset."

To breathe the air, how delicious!
To speak - to walk - to seize something by the hand!
To be this incredible God I am!

O amazement of things, even the least particle!
O spirituality of things!
I too carol the sun, ushered or at noon, or as now, setting,
I too throb to the brain and beauty of the
earth and of all the growths of the earth.

I sing to the last the equalities, modern or old
I sing the endless finales of things.
I say nature continues - glory continues.
I praise with electric voice,
For I do not see one imperfection in the universe,
And I do not see one cause or result lamentable at last.


I hope that 2012 brings each of you much to be grateful for.
~ Sophie

Resisting the Crackberry

After a decade or so of refusing the Blackberries offered to me at various jobs, I’ve finally accepted one from my current employer. I think the evolution of my thinking about the Blackberry mirrors the evolution of my thoughts about technology in general.

I’m ready for a Blackberry because there are some functions that my simple flip phone just can’t do. For instance, I can’t check my e-mail one last time before I go in to the movie theater to see if I’ve heard back from someone I’m expecting to hear from. But that doesn’t mean I have to become a Crackberry addict. I get to choose what kind of relationship I want to have with my Blackberry, just like I have chosen to have a Facebook account for the past five years, but not to spend much time using it.

More broadly, I’ve gone from thinking of technology as an anti-social, isolating facet of life, to recognizing how much it can do to maintain and build relationships. My daughter uses it to keep in touch with friends from summer camp and from California. My son bonds with new friends over games that allow them to create new worlds and to post videos they make themselves (videos I don’t recommend you take a look at) to youtube. Of course, this newsletter itself is one of the ways I use technology to remain connected to others like you, my wonderful readers!

So, I have a new piece of technology in my life to manage now. I’ve completed a coaching exercise of my own to determine what that relationship will look like. Feel free to try the exercise (below) out for yourself. I look forward to communicating with many of you on my new device!

Take care,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE

Each year, my kids are asked by their schools to create and/or to sign a technology contract. This document starts with some general principles they want to remember related to the use of technology and then then includes specific rules they agree to observe. Here’s my own Blackberry contract. You can define your relationship – or your family’s relationship – with your technology by creating a similar document.

The Blackberry is not to interfere with my being present with the people in front of me.

I won't take the Blackberry in to meetings. If a face-to-face meeting is important enough to have, I intend to be fully present for it and with the people at the table with me.

Pre-existing rules about not answering phone calls (and now e-mails) during family dinners remain in force.

The Blackberry will not stop me from figuring things out on my own, or exploring new neighborhoods, restaurants, shops, etc., even when this means having an experience less ideal than I could have had had I looked it up on the Blackberry.

Having a Blackberry will not increase the number of games I play or the time I spend playing them.

The Blackberry can keep me better connected with my children.

I will keep it charged and carry it with me so that my children can reach me.

I will appreciate my kids’ help in learning to use the Blackberry, and I will remember I do not have to use it for everything I’m shown that it can do.

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams, but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding.” ~ Louis Gerstner, CEO, IBM

“Where is all the knowledge we lost with information?” ~ T.S. Elliot

“The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.” ~ B. F. Skinner

“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.” ~ Andy Rooney

“One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

Do your questions get to the heart of the matter?

Years ago, my sister decided that when meeting someone new, instead of asking them, “What do you do?” she would ask, “What do you like to do?” I have to admit, at the time I didn’t get it: It felt awkward to me, and, if I’m being completely honest, a little pretentious (Sorry, HB!). But, now, I’ve discovered a new appreciation for what she was trying to do with that question. Instead of focusing on what label a person puts on themselves, and excluding those people who don’t work, her question was a door-opener of a different kind. One that really shows more curiosity about a person, and one that builds an even greater connection between people – based on interests, rather than jobs.

 

Last week, a new reader of this blog (welcome again!) wrote me about a recent lecture she’d attended by a Stanford professor involved with Challenge Success* about helping teenagers find balance in their days. The professor reminded the participants, who were parents, to be careful about how they question their teens. For instance, to notice whether their questions focus on external issues (e.g. how'd you do on your test?) or internal values (e.g. did you help anyone today?).  My reader wrote: “We all need to be careful what we focus on and what we make a priority: Sometimes we don't get to bring up more than one or two topics when chatting with someone (family member or friend), so we might as well focus on what we truly value.”

 

I think you know where I’m going with this… to a coaching exercise about trying out some new types of questions. What are the questions you ask that you’d like to replace? What do you really want to know about people? What kind of information that you ask about will get at what really matters / at what will really build a bridge between you and the person you are asking? What new questions would you like to try?

 

For me, it’s out with:

• How was your day?
• What did you do today?
• How was your (presentation)?

 

And in with:

• What good choices did you make today (to my kids)?
• What did you learn from (your presentation)?
• Instead of feeling stressed / tired / overwhelmed, how would you like to be feeling?
• When you do xyz, what becomes possible for you?
• And maybe, if I can work up the nerve and the situation is right, what do you like to do?

I’d love to post some of your new questions – whether you use them or not - in the comments section of this blog (you can do it yourself, of course, but it seems most of you prefer to e-mail me separately, which is fine; I’m happy to add your new questions anonymously). I’d love to hear how trying out some new questions works for you.

 

All the best,

~ Sophie

 

* http://www.challengesuccess.org. A project of Stanford University to challenge the conventional, high-pressure, and narrow path to success and offer practical alternatives to pursue a broader definition of success.

I'm here

Sometimes I think the greatest value I provide as a Coach is simply being in the room. Clients often work out their issues just because someone is there for them - paying attention, listening.

The power of being there for someone else is tremendous. A speaker I heard recently told of a terrible car accident he'd been in. When he awoke in a hospital bed, he couldn't move or speak. But he could see his wife. And what she said to him was simply, "I'm here." He said it gave him the will to heal.

"I'm here" means I'm not going anywhere: No matter what you do or what you tell me, I'm sticking around. It means whatever is happening in the world around us, I am choosing to be here with you. It affirms your faith in someone else. It also releases you from having to know the answer or solve the problem; all you have to do is show up. Even when you are by yourself, "I'm here" means you are present and in the moment. Like I said, pretty powerful.

Through this post's coaching exercise, I hope you will experience the power of showing up for yourself.

All the best,
~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE
As a coaching exercise, I suggest you try using the expression, "I'm here." Use it with someone else who needs you - someone you see every day, or someone you haven't connected with in a long time. Or use it on your own as a reminder to notice where you are and what is happening around you. Use it and mean it and, if you're willing, let me know how it goes.

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW
"I am here simply to make you alert and aware. That is to be here now - with all the insecurity that life is; with all the uncertainty that life is; with all the danger that life is." ~ Bhagwan Shree Raineesh, Indian spiritual leader, 1931-1990

Turn, Turn, Turn

I had to take out my gloves today. The air has gotten crisp. The tree in Straus Park that I watch from my giant living room window has thinned out. The kids’ teachers have learned enough about them already to hold a parent conference. Yes, we’re in to Fall.

When I had my coaching practice in Northern California, I had several clients who lamented that they did not experience the changing of seasons: Some missed this experience so much, they considered changing jobs and moving across the country to once again undergo these physical reminders of time’s passing.

The changing of the seasons lets us mark time. Marking the time is another way of being present, of noticing what is happening to us and around us. And it’s a reminder that time is precious and fleeting: To show gratitude for what we have, and to realize that our unhappy moments are moments in a bigger context.

This post celebrates the seasons, and suggests a coaching exercise you can try, whether you are undergoing them or not.

No matter your location, Happy Fall!

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE

If you are experiencing a physical change of seasons, then your exercise is simply to notice: To walk around and feel the air in and outside your body, to be alert for new colors in your path, to bring a fallen leaf inside. Notice how the new season is making you feel (physically or emotionally) and decide if that’s how you want to be feeling.

If you do not experience a physical change of seasons, create a more mental one. Consider the markers that do distinguish Fall from Winter or Summer - the school year is often a helpful one. Think about how you will periodically stop to notice the passage of time; to assess what’s happening for you at key intervals. Create or celebrate a ritual to mark this new season as separate from the last.  

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“Spring passes and one remembers one's innocence. Summer passes and one remembers one's exuberance. Autumn passes and one remembers one's reverence. Winter passes and one remembers one's perseverance.” ~ Yoko Ono

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” ~ Anne Bradstreet

 “And you would accept the seasons of your heart just as you have always accepted that seasons pass over your fields and you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

“To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.” ~ George Santayana

Make every day a day to learn

This post is again inspired by my wise colleague, Maureen, who said to me today something to the effect of, "You know, there's so much you can learn in passing every day if you are open to what you want to learn." 


There are so many things I love about this sentiment! It's about being present in the moment to realize you are in a situation ripe for learning, and being self-aware of what you want to focus on. It's about rising above your circumstances and focusing on what you can do with what you have (e.g. I may not be able to get to a class on how to be a better leader, but I can become more aware of the leaders around me - good and bad - and I can learn just from watching them). And, of course, it promotes my favorite topic - lifelong learning. It also inspired the coaching exercise for this post (see below).


I learn so much from all of you - the people who read this blog, who write to me about the exercises you're trying and the successes (and failures) you're having, and who share such wise observations about life with me on a daily basis. Thank you for making every day a day to learn for me.
~ Sophie


Coaching exercise


Here are some ways I think we can take Maureen's statement and turn it into an experiment in making every day a day to learn...

• Spend some time to figure out what it is you really want to learn, whether it be in your personal or work life. What skills or characteristics do you wish you displayed more often? What do you want to learn how to do that you don't know how to do? This can be a very tangible thing, like playing the guitar, or a more intangible one, like being more curious about other people. I give that later example because that is something I decided a few years ago I wanted to learn to do better.
• Think about who you know who is very good at what you want to learn. How can you increase your time with this person? To continue on my real-life example above, I realized that our "Aunt" Janice was amazing at displaying curiosity about people, and I decided I would spend more time with her just watching her shining her special light on people, hoping some of what she does would rub off on me. 
• Alternatively, where is the activity you want to learn happening? If the tangible skill I want to learn is nursing skills, I might head to the hospital to hang out or volunteer. Even better is when I come to realize that the thing I want to learn is already happening around me and all I need to do is be open to it.   
• Don't forget to process what you are learning. You'll remain receptive to these inputs when you are holding yourself accountable for noticing and processing them. So, journal about your learnings. Share what you're learning with a friend. As always, I'd love to hear how you're making yourself open to learning in your every day.  

Quotes I like right now

• "Live as if you will die tomorrow; Learn as if you will live forever." ~ Gandhi
• “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” ~ John PowellI, American composer
• “I never teach my pupils; I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn.”    ~ Albert Einstein
• “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes.” ~ Marcel Proust, French novelist