Do your questions get to the heart of the matter?

Years ago, my sister decided that when meeting someone new, instead of asking them, “What do you do?” she would ask, “What do you like to do?” I have to admit, at the time I didn’t get it: It felt awkward to me, and, if I’m being completely honest, a little pretentious (Sorry, HB!). But, now, I’ve discovered a new appreciation for what she was trying to do with that question. Instead of focusing on what label a person puts on themselves, and excluding those people who don’t work, her question was a door-opener of a different kind. One that really shows more curiosity about a person, and one that builds an even greater connection between people – based on interests, rather than jobs.

 

Last week, a new reader of this blog (welcome again!) wrote me about a recent lecture she’d attended by a Stanford professor involved with Challenge Success* about helping teenagers find balance in their days. The professor reminded the participants, who were parents, to be careful about how they question their teens. For instance, to notice whether their questions focus on external issues (e.g. how'd you do on your test?) or internal values (e.g. did you help anyone today?).  My reader wrote: “We all need to be careful what we focus on and what we make a priority: Sometimes we don't get to bring up more than one or two topics when chatting with someone (family member or friend), so we might as well focus on what we truly value.”

 

I think you know where I’m going with this… to a coaching exercise about trying out some new types of questions. What are the questions you ask that you’d like to replace? What do you really want to know about people? What kind of information that you ask about will get at what really matters / at what will really build a bridge between you and the person you are asking? What new questions would you like to try?

 

For me, it’s out with:

• How was your day?
• What did you do today?
• How was your (presentation)?

 

And in with:

• What good choices did you make today (to my kids)?
• What did you learn from (your presentation)?
• Instead of feeling stressed / tired / overwhelmed, how would you like to be feeling?
• When you do xyz, what becomes possible for you?
• And maybe, if I can work up the nerve and the situation is right, what do you like to do?

I’d love to post some of your new questions – whether you use them or not - in the comments section of this blog (you can do it yourself, of course, but it seems most of you prefer to e-mail me separately, which is fine; I’m happy to add your new questions anonymously). I’d love to hear how trying out some new questions works for you.

 

All the best,

~ Sophie

 

* http://www.challengesuccess.org. A project of Stanford University to challenge the conventional, high-pressure, and narrow path to success and offer practical alternatives to pursue a broader definition of success.