Collateral Beauty

The best thing about the film, Collateral Beauty, is the concept that is also its title. In my own words, it’s the generous, kind, and beautiful things that happen on the periphery of what’s tragic or evil. We’ve seen it this past year, for instance when Trevor Noah suggested that if a Muslim registry is created, we will all register. We see it when we appreciate the sunset on a day that was full of hurt.

It reminds me of a quote from Mister (Fred) Rogers that I’ve used to help my kids understand bad things that happen in the world: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."”

Collateral beauty is also tied, for me, to gratitude; to continuing to notice and appreciate what works, what’s lovely, what blessings surround us. If there is a coaching exercise for this post, it is to show gratitude in whatever format works for you – a journal, a pay-it-forward activity, or some sort of statement.  

There will be plenty of damage in the year(s) ahead of us; My hope comes from the idea that there will be an equal or greater amount of collateral beauty.

Hold Fast to Dreams

If you’ve ever felt like giving up on your dreams, you may already be familiar with these stories that are circulated on the Internet as encouragement to stick with them:

• After Fred Astaire's first screen test in 1933, a memo from MGM’s testing director read, "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."
• Charles Schultz had every cartoon he submitted rejected by his high school yearbook staff. Oh, and Walt Disney wouldn't hire him. 
• Disney himself went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland. In fact, the proposed park was rejected by the city of Anaheim on the grounds that it would only attract riffraff.
• As an inventor, Thomas Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison is reported to have replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” 
• Edmond Newton auditioned for Project Runway every year since the show started – 20 times – before being selected and getting all the way to the finale, where he showed his line at New York Fashion Week (and, in my opinion, was robbed of the win).

And while I wouldn’t put myself in the league of any of these luminaries, I’m happy to report that, after four years of not even being invited for interviews for jobs that I was eminently qualified for, and of at least eight heart-breaking rejections, I am going to work in August for Blue Engine as a teaching assistant in a New York City public school. I’m “over-the-moon” excited to be returning to the classroom after a very long hiatus, and to be embarking on work that can make a positive difference in the world. So, I’m using this post in the same way those other Internet sites have – to encourage you not to give up on your goals and dreams either; to see your latest rejection as just another step in your successful light bulb experiment. In the words of Ella Fitzgerald, “Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.” 

Responses to Hardship

Recently, I had a serious let-down and called a friend in tears. Elise (whose name has been changed and who has “approved this message”) is a lovely person and, I know, was intending to help when she gave a response along the lines of, “Is that all? You can easily rebound from that. I thought this was something serious, like you were getting a divorce!” Despite having a healthy and happy marriage, I was still upset about my other set-back and was reminded of a terrific TED Talk* by Ash Beckham about how no one’s pain is greater than anyone else’s. Beckham’s experience of being discriminated against might be as significant to her as someone else’s experience of losing a loved one. My son’s experience of getting a bad grade in school may be just as devastating to him as not getting a job was to another of my friends, or as finding out that the boy she liked liked someone else was for a student I was working with. Beckham advises we not judge one another’s pain; that we show compassion and empathy. Let’s just treat each person’s hardships as hard and be there for them as fully as we know how.

* "We're All Hiding Something, Let's Find the Courage to Open Up," September 2013.

So tired... tired of waiting... tired of waiting for you

I just tried out a new exercise with a coaching client who was obsessing (as she described it) about the fact that one of her clients hadn’t yet responded to her email requesting more money for an upcoming job. I had her write down every possible reason that she might not have heard back. Her list looked something like this:

• She is busy

• She is away

• She is considering this and doesn’t want to write back until she’s had a chance to get budget approval

• She is so angry about my request that she no longer wants to do business with me

• She has found someone else to do the job for less

• She is sick / some personal issue has come up

• She doesn’t care / this job really doesn’t matter much to her

I then asked my client to consider how likely each of these explanations was.

When she was able to, first, see how many perfectly reasonable explanations there were, and second, to see how unlikely the 4^th reason listed was, she was able to relax a bit and be more patient.

What response are you still waiting for? Let me know if this exercise helps you.