Fake It ’Till You Make It

In a recent argument with my husband, in defense of my own nastiness, I found myself saying something to the effect of, “I’m not going to fake love when I’m not feeling it.” All of a sudden it hit me - That was the root of the problem. When I wasn’t feeling love, what I really had to do was fake it; to act loving, instead of retreating to an angry, sullen place. Hadn’t I challenged clients for years to “act as if”(act as if you are a Leader, act as if you know what you are doing, act as if you are that mother you want to emulate)? If it was a good idea for them, wasn’t it also a good idea for me?

I think my main obstacle to acting loving when I felt angry was my belief that doing so would go against my authentic nature. I pride myself in being “real.” I like to think that people know what they are getting when it comes to me. So, how could I act in a way that was fake and still be my authentic self? It occurred to me that there is another way that I define myself; as a loving person. I realized that if I acted in a way that wasn’t authentic, but did so in order to be more of myself in another way, I wasn’t really acting against my very nature. And I knew that acting a certain way for a discrete period of time because of the circumstances in that moment didn’t really change who I am at my core (which is why I was able to think of myself as a loving person even when I was being angry and bitchy). And, of course in the bigger picture, I do have a great husband whom I do love (and who even is okay with my writing about our personal life and posting it on this blog!).

So, I had my rationale for faking it. Now I needed to try it out. The opportunity soon arose. During our recent vacation, I blew up about some situation regarding our luggage and stormed out of the hotel room. Rather than stewing in my negative feelings and being unapproachable until I felt better, I decided to act in a loving way. And when I did? I got a loving response. And when that happened, I felt good and I forgot about the luggage issue and I had a really great time for the rest of our vacation.

Another thing I’d shared over the years not only with clients, but also with my kids, is that you can’t control what happens to you – only your reactions to it. I’m going to be trying to react with love – even if I have to fake it.

All the best,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISE

What can you fake until you make it? Can you fake that you like your boss, your teammate, or your job? Can you fake that you are organized or in control? Can you pretend to be a master marketer, an extrovert, or a fantastic friend?

Pick something and, as you try acting “as if,” think about these questions:

• What do you have to put aside to be able to fake it?
• What are you choosing to honor instead of that belief you are setting aside?
• Is there any truth to what you are “faking?”
• What happens when you try it?
• Do you want to try it again?

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

“The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.  Attitude to me is more important than facts.  It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people say or do.  It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.  It will make or break a company…a church…or a home.   The remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable.  The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And, so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”  ~ Charles Swindoll, Christian pastor, author, educator

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” ~ Jewish tradition

The Power of Habit

Over the years, I’ve worked to eradicate certain undesirable habits of my own, as well as watching as my coaching clients tried to do the same. I’ve learned some things about habits along the way – for instance that a habit that took years to take hold can’t be quickly gotten rid of, or that one should try to interrupt habits by identifying that critical moment when you are about to launch in to the habitual behavior (e.g. instead of coming home and turning to the right towards the kitchen, see what happens when you turn left towards the closet where your sneakers are kept instead). Still, I never really felt I was comfortably versed in the science behind these practices.

A new book remedies that situation. I just finished Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business and feel like I have a much better understanding of how habits are formed in individuals, organizations and societies. While the entire book is a fascinating look at the nature of habits, with intriguing illustrations from science, history, sports, business, etc., it was the Appendix that really brought it all together in practical, easy-to-follow steps (hence its subtitle: A Reader’s Guide to Using These Ideas). The coaching exercise for this post comes from that appendix.

Habits aren’t all bad. Flossing one’s teeth, exercising, and telling the truth are all good examples of more healthy habits. And, if we didn’t have some habits in place, we’d have to make a lot of extra decisions each and every day. The fact that we do some things routinely makes life simpler and more efficient. What’s important is making sure that the habits we do have are serving us well.

All the best,

~ Sophie 

COACHING EXERCISE

I can’t really do the book justice, but I can suggest just one exercise from the Appendix of The Power of Habit here. This exercise focuses on isolating the cue to some of your more destructive habits. This is the third of four steps to replace one habit with another.

If, as research suggests, cravings, and habitual behaviors that satisfy those cravings, are cued by one of five different factors, you can isolate the cue leading to your habitual behavior by tracking your responses to these five questions each time the craving to do something hits you (e.g. flop down on the couch, smoke, say “How was school?”, pick an argument):

• Where was I when this craving hit? (location)
• What time of day was it when this craving hit? (time) 
• How was I feeling when I first noticed this craving? (emotional state)
• Who was around when this craving came upon me? (other people) 
• What had just happened when this craving hit (immediately preceding action)?

If you track answers to all five of these questions over the period of several days or weeks every time the urge to perform this habit comes over you, you will see patterns emerge. It allowed the author to see that he craved cookies at the same time of day and to create new habits during that same time period. It allowed one of my clients to see that it was being around a certain friend that triggered her overspending / shopping habit, and allowed another to see that she overate when she was aggravated following certain types of meetings at work.

I haven’t quite made this work for me yet (so far, I’m seeing that having one sweet food is what cues me to take another one, but not getting at what makes me have that very first one). If you have more success in figuring out a pattern for your cues, I’d love to hear about it!

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “A man who gives his children habits of industry provides for them better than by giving them fortune.” ~ Richard Whately, English rhetorician, logician, economist, and theologian
• “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” ~ Aristotle
• “Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.” ~ Nathaniel Emmons, American theologian
• "Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones." ~ Benjamin Franklin

Be Awe-Inspired

Last week, for a miraculous half-hour, I had the ruins of Machu Pichu all to myself. The rest of my family was doing an early morning climb up a treacherous mountain peak (that I had opted out of at the last moment),  and the swarms of tourists who would later take over the park had not yet arrived. The fog was lifting off the valley floor, the song of the birds was the only sound other than my footsteps in the gravel. Wandering alone through these centuries-old structures was magic. To stand in the spot where thousands of years ago a civilization of people had built something so lasting in such an inaccessible - yet dramatically beautiful - setting took my breath away. How I could be standing alone in the jungles of Peru while at the same time at home in Manhattan, life existed so completely differently was awe-inspiring. 

And so I return to the topic that I so often do - Gratitude. Because isn't awe a form of gratitude? A recognition of the incredible-ness of things? An awareness that you are present to a moment of beauty, strength, or wonder? And one doesn't need to travel miles to experience it. There is awe in a chalk drawing on the sidewalk, a guitar solo on the subway platform, the facade of a beautiful building from New York's turn-of-the-century; in a baby's fingers, a sunset, or a piece of art, whether an oil painting, an exquisite taste, a series of notes in a musical phrase, or a beautifully crafted sentence.

Your coaching exercise for this post? Find something that brings you to your knees, brings tears to your eyes, makes your hand fly to your heart. Be awe-inspired.

And in the place of quotations to accompany this post, some photos of our recent trip (taken by my husband).

All the best,
~ Sophie