You're Thoughtful, Evolving and Caring

Here’s a coaching tool we can all use in our everyday life - acknowledging.

Acknowledging is a way of providing recognition to someone else – and don’t we all appreciate being recognized? Acknowledging is less about noticing what people are accomplishing (e.g. “You did really well on that science quiz,” or “You did a great job on that project”), and all about how they are accomplishing it; how they are "being" as they get all this wonderful stuff done. For example, two people may have helped you with something today, but one might have been joyful and energized while doing it, and the other might have been engaging and warm while doing it.

When we give someone an acknowledgment (which might sound like, "Nancy, you are bright, authentic and welcoming" or "Dean, you are funny and devoted"), s/he usually feels like you have taken the time to really get to know him or her. It’s a great way to recognize someone.

Your coaching exercise for this post is to try it out. Here are some tips:

• Start with the words, "You are...." This will ensure that you are focusing on who the person is, rather than on what s/he is doing.
• Say who the person is being and then stop. Let what you've said sink in. Don't dilute the power of your acknowledgment by continuing to talk and explain. Just "You are inspiring" and that's it.
• This isn't a natural way we talk to each other on a day-to-day basis, so you may want to prepare in advance. Think about someone you'd like to recognize and then think about who you know that person to be. Write down an adjective, or two, or three (more than that is too many to take in at one time).
• Avoid generic adjectives, like “great,” “terrific” or “awesome.” The more specific you can be about the person in front of you, the more impact your statement has and the more connected you become. 
• As the NIKE campaign used to say, "just do it." This might feel like an awkward type of statement to make. Try it once. See how it goes and, if you're inspired, try it again. I'd love to hear how it goes!
• If you want a baby step here, put an acknowledgment in writing instead of stating it aloud. I do this in thank you notes, on birthday cards, in e-mails to colleagues who I want to recognize, and occasionally (but not often enough) on sticky notes for my kids and husband. 

You, my readers, are thoughtful, evolving and caring (otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading about this sort of stuff!). Go out and display your caring through an acknowledgment.

Best,
~ Sophie

P.S. Did you notice some changes to the blog? Other than some new formatting, three new pages have been added (see the row directly beneath the name of the blog for the tabs):

• "About This Blog" tells you what this blog is all about,
• "Books & Websites" is a comprehensive list of all of those resources that I have featured in one of the posts to the blog (and maybe some I love that I haven't yet had a chance to highlight), and 
• "Index" is an annotated list of posts to this blog to make finding one again easier. 

Please share your feedback about the blog any time and hope you like the new features!

In Friendship...

British playwright, screenwriter, actor and author, Alan Bennett, is quoted as saying, “The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought unique and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.”

This would explain why I’m loving the book MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend by Rachel Bertsche. I don’t just feel like a hand has taken ahold of mine, I feel like I’m reading my own story: Re-locating to a new city and having a hard time creating meaningful friendships? Check. Having as my main interests books, television, and movies? Check. Being engaged in noticing what I’m experiencing and chronicling it? Check Check (hence this blog). This is a book I relate to on multiple levels.

Throughout, Bertsche explores some questions about friendships that I’m finding very valuable to do some thinking about for myself. Questions like:

• What constitutes best friendship? What kind of friends do you really want? Are they the same type of friends you needed at other stages of your life? 
• How do you make new friends? How do you deepen the relationships you have now? And how do you do those things while nurturing your marriage, doing your job, and fulfilling your other obligations? 
• Who do you want to be as a friend? Who are you being? 
• Psychologists Debra Oswald and Eddie Clark identify four necessary behaviors to make a friendship stick: Self-disclosure, supportiveness, interactivity, and positivity. How are you measuring up in these areas? 
• How does social media change the nature of friendships? 
• What is the difference between loneliness and being alone? 

The book reads like a good romantic comedy that’s sprinkled with insights from social psychology and intriguing observations on the authors’ part.

Can you tell I’m enjoying this book (My Kindle says I’m only 44% of the way through)? Even if you’re not (somewhat) recently relocated as I am, I think you’ll really enjoy ruminating on friendships and come away from reading MWF Seeking BFF feeling very thankful for those you have.

In friendship,
~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

• Respond to some of the questions posed above: Talk about them with others, journal about them, or post some thoughts in the comments section below. 
• Put yourself out there: You don’t have to go quite as far as the author did (she challenged herself to go on 52 friend dates – one per week – for a full year), but I’d guess that all of us could push ourselves in some way to be more of a friend to others: 

- Since starting the book, I’ve sent out five invitations to people I want to become friends with and three invitations to friends I haven’t seen in awhile. Just sending out the invitations felt great – and the fact that I have now plans with all but one of these people feels even greater. 

- In my life, I have twice approached someone with a statement to the effect of, “We haven’t really spoken much, but the few times we have spoken, I’ve really enjoyed our conversations. Would you like to have lunch?” It felt risky until I thought about how good I would feel if someone came to me with a similar invitation. Are there any potential friends you want to take a risk on? What have you got to lose? 

- Jeff and I had a New Year’s resolution to host a dinner party a month. We haven’t really stuck closely to it, but we’ve had some really lovely evenings here and seen a few friendships grow out of it. Would you enjoy hosting a few friends in this intimate, unrushed setting? 

• Pull out a paper and pencil and start listing your friends in each of these four categories, identified by journalist Valerie Frankel and quoted in MFW Seeking BFF. It might feel strange to classify your friends in this way, but it can be very eye-opening. If you feel you have few friends, you might be surprised to find out how many you actually do have. If you feel like you have no room in your life for more friends, you may make the opposite discovery (Bertsche shares anthropologist Robin Dunbar’s belief that human brains can keep up a social network of 150 (across all four of these categories)):

1. The acquaintance, someone you’d chat with on the street or at a local café who gives you a sense of belonging 
2. The casual friend, a grab lunch pal who often serves a specific purpose, such as a tennis or running partner 
3. The close buddy, an intimate, trustworthy companion you can say anything to 
4. The lifer, who’s as deep and forever as family. 

QUOTES I LIKE RIGHT NOW

• “A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
• “A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.” ~ Leo Buscaglia
• “A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.” ~ Arnold H. Glasow
• “But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to a benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
• “Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” ~ Aristotle

To Love What is Mortal...

I have long avoided writing a blog about death, even though, to me, death is a beautiful, universal part of life; and not one that I fear.

I have been privileged in my lifetime to watch people approach death in a dignified, courageous manner, like my grandmother, Phyllis Roskin, who died in a hospice being treated only for her pain and not for the cancer that was taking her from us. I’ve been touched by those moments in hospitals, hospices, and temples when loved ones have come together to celebrate rich and happy lives that have ended, and to become closer in those meaningful moments. I have been honored to be invited to sit with a family struck by the terrible tragedy of the loss of a daughter the same age as my own and to experience their incredible resilience. And I have found I am most connected with my religious faith when I have seen how it responds in the face of death.

Yet, I’ve always thought, how do I write about death without upsetting people who don’t see it the same way that I do, or who view it as something morbid that shouldn’t be discussed? How do I write about death without offending someone whose views on the subject are different than mine?  And who am I to write about this topic, with my limited experience on the subject?

Today I want to set aside those gremlins that have kept me from writing about a topic that has always been very important to me and to share with you some of my thoughts about death and some coaching exercises around how you can come to articulate your own.  I also want to “publicly” re-commit to volunteering to work with people in a hospice setting who are close to the end of their lives, or with their families, an idea that I’ve carried with me for over a decade since my grandmother’s death.

Playwright Thornton Wilder wrote, “There is a land of the living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.”  It is with love that I offer this post about the end of life.

Thank you for receiving it,

~ Sophie

COACHING EXERCISES

• Which are the moments that have informed your thoughts about death? What are the readings or teachings that illustrate how you feel about what happens to us after we leave this life? Perhaps you can write a journal entry, or create a mind map, about those things that have informed your thinking about death.
• Consider whether it would help you – or help someone else – for you to talk to one another about death and dying.  I’m told that it is a gift to be able to talk to those who are dying about how they feel about where they are going, and, in some cases, to give them “permission” to let go of this life. I’m told there is some comfort in knowing how they felt about their dying after they are gone. Even though it really doesn’t matter because after I die people will do whatever they need to do to feel better, it is reassuring to me to know that there are others who know how I feel about my own death, whenever it comes.
• For the most part, I want to live my life having said what I needed to say to people. However, there are some things I want to say to my children that they aren’t ready to hear yet, or that aren’t appropriate or relevant to them now. Even though I have no plans to die soon, I have written them letters to open in the event of an emergency and when they reach a certain age. Even though it won’t matter any more to me then, I feel better now, here on the earth, knowing that I have left a few letters behind for my children. The part about who they might marry can wait; the part about how much I love them, I hope they hear from me every day.  Is there any one in your life for whom you would like to write a letter that they can read at a later time, whether you’re here to hand it to them at that time or not?
• Finally, I find it comfortable to gather things I want to be able to say to someone who has had a recent death in their family, or who are on their way out of this life. I’ve been told by a few people that if you are vacillating about whether or not to reach out to someone in either of these situations, that when you do go ahead and reach out, it is very much appreciated. I keep a supply of blank sympathy cards in my basket here at home so that I can do that. Here are some things that I feel inspired by currently:

A character in a novel I read last year said to another grieving character, “May you have a strong heart and the love of family in these sad times.” I have had more opportunities than I would like to have used that phrase since reading it.

Jeff’s Uncle said good bye to his grandson’s father this week with, “a safe and wondrous journey to wherever we all go," which I think is really lovely.

A rabbi I was talking to about what he says to the many families he helps through these moments said that he’d learned that mostly, what people appreciate is the opportunity to talk about the person they’ve lost.  So I ask, “What was she like?” or, when I knew her, I share a story about her.

The way that I think about death is soothing to me. I hope that some of these thoughts will comfort you as well…

When we are dead, and people weep for us and grieve, let it be because we touched their lives with beauty and simplicity. Let it not be said that life was good to us, but rather, that we were good to life.

~ Rabbi Jacob P. Rudin

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things:

To love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

And, when the time comes to let

it go,

to let it go.

~ Poet Mary Oliver