Recovery

Recently, I served as a mock interviewer for middle school students preparing for a selective high school admissions process. All of the students were articulate, bright, and warm. One factor that set some of them apart was that when they would say the wrong thing, or go off topic, some got frazzled, stressed, or otherwise called attention to their slip-up. Others, when they noticed that something was going wrong, made a simple statement like, “Oh, before I tell you that, I should probably say…” or “That’s not what I meant. What I meant was…” In giving feedback to these students, I found myself repeating something I’ve been sharing with coaching clients for some time. It sounds something like, “Everyone is going to mess up some time – use the wrong word or forget to say what they’d planned to.  Perfection isn’t the goal. What’s more important is that you master the skill of recovery.” Of course this applies more broadly than to interviewing. We’ll make mistakes as we go through life: That’s not what matters. What matters is how we elegantly dust ourselves off and correct our course. How we learn from our mistakes, clean up any damage, or find another route to success. 

Apologies

Between the Jewish holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, there’s a 10-day period during which one can apologize for any wrongdoings of the past year in order to start the new year off with a clean slate. It’s that time right now.

Years ago, I learned a formula for giving a meaningful apology that we adapted in our family and that became known as an “Oberstein apology” (so, when one of our kids would give a half-hearted, I’m sorry,” and then say, “I apologized,” we’d ask, “but was it an Oberstein apology?”

The Oberstein apology included:

• “I’m sorry that…” When you can give a specific description of what you did, you show that you’ve thought about your actions and their impact.

• “In the future I’ll…” shows that you’ve learned from your mistake and will take action to improve.

• A hug or chicken dance – Okay, we allowed the kids to invent the third part - and it added some levity to the situation.

Other three-part apology models - without the chicken dance - exist (Google “three-part apology” for some ideas). The important part is that apologies can be meaningful learning experiences that strengthen relationships; that’s something to strive for in this new year.

Get organized

I can’t believe I haven’t done a post on organizing yet because being organized is my hallmark. Everyone has her own system for staying organized. Here are a few tips that work for me:

• Have two of the things you use often – e.g. mouthwash, cereal. When you open the second one, it’s time to buy another. You’ll never run out.
• Keep lists on your computer. For instance, I have packing lists for week-long ski trips and weekend beach trips that make getting ready stress-free – and I don’t forget anything. I also keep a Costco shopping list: When I’m about to go, I use it to check whether any items I regularly buy there need replenishing.
• When you need to bring something to a meeting or an event, put that in your calendar for the day before the meeting, e.g. “buy donuts for tomorrow morning’s staff meeting.” This helps avoid last minute running around.  Similarly, don’t put “report due” on the day it’s due, write “report due next week” the Monday before. Better yet, break report preparation into smaller steps and schedule them.
• Put “ticklers” in your calendar. If I tell a client or acquaintance I’ll follow up with them in three months, I put a note in my calendar for three months later and I do it.
• Organization happens on a granular level (organize your drawers! Shoebox – and other box – lids help separate things in drawers) and on a macro level (e.g. keeping prioritized lists and reminders of things you need to accomplish or scheduling planning time into your week). To be organized, you need to stay on top of things at multiple levels.
• Declutter.  More on that topic is in a companion post on my Linked In profile, https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/declutter-focus-efficiency-sophie-oberstein?published=t

What keeps you organized?

Change Your Thoughts and You Change the World*

I had an epiphany on the beach. It was at the end of a week-long family vacation. I was lying in the sun, sipping a watermelon juice, and I noticed that I hadn’t had a thought about work for the past week.

Up until that moment, this was exactly what I was unhappy with about my job – that my work is insignificant, that this is work I’ve been doing for a long time and is no longer the professional challenge I relish, that my identity has been about advancing in my career and that this job (and my last couple of jobs really, since I scaled back to focus on parenting) is really a step back.

But as I gazed out at the ocean, I thought that perhaps having a job that isn’t especially taxing, that isn’t on a fast track anywhere, and that doesn’t matter in the great scheme of things isn’t such a bad thing. After all, it allows me to go on vacations with my family and be totally present. At home, it allows me to have time for regular exercise, regular volunteer activity, and to take time off as needed to support my family and friendships. While my job isn’t what I dreamed it would be at this stage in my life, it is a good job with a great boss and terrific benefits.

I decided in that moment that I have nothing to complain about in this job, and I haven’t since. Mine is certainly a privileged person’s revelation, but it’s also about changing nothing about your situation other than your thoughts and having a totally different experience. It’s also about being okay when an aspect of your life isn’t where you want it to be when that allows you be fully satisfied in other aspects. And it’s about letting go of parts of your identity when they no longer serve you. Even if you’re not in as fortunate a conundrum as I was, I hope those lessons can be beneficial in your circumstances.

* The title of this post is a quote attributed to writer Harold R. McAlindon. 

NOTE: For those – like me - who count to make sure I don’t exceed my 200 word per post limit, I apologize; I’m over by 139 words this time!

What, Me Worry?

I’m afraid of needles. Yet, this year, I was persuaded to get a flu shot. The week leading up to it, I obsessed; my nerves were frazzled. And, afterwards, I told the nurse how easy it had been. She replied, “Well, it’s better this way - to worry in advance and have it be much better than you anticipated than not to worry and have it be a terrible experience.” While I believe she’s right, I’m having trouble reconciling this with a quote I’ve often shared – including with coaching clients: “Worry is misuse of the imagination” (attributed to business executive, Dan Zadra).

Which is it? Is it a good idea to worry because worry might help to prepare you, or might make what you’ve been dreading seem like a piece of cake? Or because it might help you to think of alternatives to the situation in advance? Or does it waste valuable time on something that may never come to pass, or that’s inevitable? Does worry keep you from trying certain things?

I’ve decided to think of worry just as something to pay attention to: What am I nervous about? Why? And how does being nervous help or hurt me?

Unlimited Possibilities

I hosted a career advancement panel at work the other day where the concept of limiting beliefs came up. Here’s how the conversation went:

An employee said she was scared to move from a Union position at NYU to a managerial role because, as a Union employee, she was “protected” and once she became a manager, her “head would be on the chopping block.” One of the panelists asked her how often she’d used the Union’s protections and when she said she really hadn’t, he replied, “Well, that’s like keeping the bumpers up in your lane even though you keep bowling strikes. You don’t need those protections - and your belief that you do is limiting your options.”

That’s when another panelist talked about his limiting beliefs.  “I often say ‘I can’t run.’  Of course,” he continued, “I haven’t tried running…”

What limiting beliefs are you holding on to? Are they true? Could the opposite also be true? What do you want to do with those beliefs? I know I’ve asked these questions before in this blog – and of myself – but it’s a good idea to check in periodically and to clear out those thoughts that are limiting for unlimited possibilities.

Watch What You Wish For

Eric quit his job to pursue his dream of a career in graphic design. Design classes were demanding and paying for them, without his job, put a strain on his relationship. When Eric talked about these challenges, he heard, “But this is what you wanted,” or some version of, “Watch what you wish for.”

“Watch what you wish for” responses are disproportionately discouraging. They equate momentary discontent with having pursued the wrong dream in the first place. “This is what you wanted” implies that once you get what you want, things should be perfect, when we know that nothing is. These responses can make you feel like you can’t share your struggles along a path you’ve chosen for yourself.

I’ve been there: Afraid to complain about a career that I’d pursued or a house that I’d chosen.  Here’s some self-talk that helped conquer that fear:

• “I love my choices, and today I don’t.”
• “Right now I need some help dealing with the downside of my right choice.”
• “It’s natural to sometimes miss the way things were before this challenging – and rewarding - choice."

So don’t watch you wish for – Dream on! – and find a supportive listener when you need one.