“Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.”
~ Robert Bresson, French film director
Lately, I’ve been coaching other coaches. One coach I was working with recently had this spectacular coaching moment when she basically said to her client, “I’m stuck here. I don’t see how you can get past these obstacles. What are you thinking when I say that?”
Why was this such a great moment for me? Because it was a moment of complete transparency. When the coach said, “I’m stumped,” she was lifting the curtain on the inner workings of her brain and letting her client see inside. This helps create a deeper, authentic relationship with the client. It made the coach vulnerable and human. And, it invited the client to be a partner in figuring out where the conversation needed to go next; to find her own answers to a challenging situation. And this is how it should be.
As I’ve been thinking about transparency in coaching, I’ve started to wonder couldn’t being transparent in real life have equivalent benefits? What would have happened, for instance, if during an incident between my daughter and husband earlier this week, instead of sitting silently by, I’d said something like, “You guys are talking about mundane things, but the tension in this room is so thick you could cut it with a knife. What do you guys want to do about that?” What if I’d said at a particularly contentious board meeting recently, “You two seem passionate about your opposing views and the rest of us are a loss as to what to do.”
How is someone to know if you’re not happy with how a conversation is going, with how a situation is playing out, if you’re not telling them? Being transparent requires being really in tune with what is happening – being completely present - and that’s something I’m constantly striving to be. So, now I’m also going to strive to be more transparent. And that’s my coaching exercise for you, too.
Please note: I am not advocating blurting out anything and everything that’s on your mind. I’m not suggesting you set yourself up to be like Jim Carrey in that movie about a man who couldn’t tell a lie, or that you operate like Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm, saying whatever you want with no filter. I’m talking about being okay with saying what’s present and what’s happening for you in the service of helping the situation and helping the relationship. That may have been obvious to you, but I felt it was worth mentioning as it’s a critical caveat in this whole topic of transparency.
Here are some other great examples of transparency I’ve been hearing from new Coaches recently that might help inspire you in your conversations:
- "Let me go back, if you don't mind. That question didn’t take you anywhere productive."
- "I'm stuck here. I want to ask you about (XYZ), but I don't know how to put the question together."
- "Let me back up a second... I don’t think I understood this situation right the first time and now we’re talking about two different things."
- "I don't know how to word this or phrase this..."
- “Did I just ask you four questions at once? You can just answer the one you liked best…”
- "I’m not sure why I’m here. It seems like you've already got this situation under control. Is there anything you need me for? "
- "I'm trying to think of a way to help you break this down and see that it really isn't as big a commitment as you are making it out to be. I'm not finding an elegant way to do that, so let me just say flat out – I don’t think this is really as big of a commitment as you seem to. What do you think of that?"
All the best,
~ Sophie
